a Life's Story

I used to think that it's a blessing that I can remember (most of it anyway) what people has said to me. Be it good, be it bad, I remember. I remember the tiny, little details, or sometimes the bigger picture; it depends. I don't really choose what I want to remember, I just do. And that is mostly why, I remember what the lessons are about when the teacher are really teaching. The other kids will say its boring, but that is when my brain takes in everything. That's why it's a blessing. Rather than a curse. I remember when I was so full of unfulfilled revenge, of the negative things that got stuck in my head. Of the nasty things that people said to me, when I was just a child, when I was just a teenager looking for myself (still do, in fact). They affected me the most. They shaped the me, the me about four years ago. I still remember the exact words that had literally killed me inside (pardon the drama,) the words that I kept to myself for years. Years. Almost ten year...

Why does this has to be now? I mean, can't you wait another couple of months before you started feeling all mushy, all lost of motivation and drive? Why now? Come on, this is not the time to dawdle. This is not the time to be thinking, "why have I done wrong?" This is not the time to succumb to all that negative thoughts. No! Come on, just a little bit more to go. Just a little bit more suffering, and then you'll see that all of this is worth it. Worth your everything, even. Come on, make someone proud.

My pace varies from time to time. Keep up. Slow down. Let's take a break. But never stopping. Go on, continue forward. Keep moving. And if you can't stay alongside with me, I won't open that door for you. You have to do it yourself. Because in the end, this is the place that I wanted to be.

Malu dengan diri sendiri. Sangat-sangat. Selama hidup, memang tidak pandai dan tidak tahu, tetapi digagahkan juga hendak mencuba. Malu yang teramat. Mungkin lepas ini tiada lagi percubaan.

Yang dulu, sebahagian jadi kenyataan selepas dua, tiga bulan. Harapnya yang kali ini hanya mainan tidur, dan tak akan jadi kenyataan selepas dua, tiga tahun pula. Nauzubillahiminzalik. p/s Tapi akhirnya, kita hanya mampu merancang, Tuhan juga yang pegang segalanya. Wallahu'alam.