a Life's Story

 Hitam. Gelap. Sempit. Sepertinya sarang. Tempat disorok segala rasa, disorok semua duka. Tanpa sedar menjadi semakin besar, walaupun ruang tetap sebesar itu. Kian menghimpit. Meski di luar lihatnya sempurna, kembali ke sarang hilanglah seri. Yang tinggal hanya rasa yang menekan dari segenap sudut. Membekas selagi kekal di situ. Cuba keluar, cuba lari, tapi ibaratnya ada tali yang mengikat. Ditarik kembali, dipaksa melihat semua yang cuba disorok. Yang saban hari buat diri sendiri hilang.  Diri sendiri seperti sarang itu. Kian hilang ditelan gelap malam, Hitam sehitamnya.

 It's kinda funny, to remember how you yourself used to be. You wonder how were you like so, when you are definitely not the same person you are today. Then you remember how nothing has affected you, how nothing will be able to shake you down. Perhaps it was all just a facade. Perhaps whatever it was, was never crazy enough to make you drop down to your knees and beg. Because somehow, there was time when you had faith that everything will be fine, eventually. That faith keeps you going, shaped the you back then. Now that faith is gone, you can no longer keep up with the lies, you can't pretend like everything is fine. How can you pretend to be something that you are not? At least back then you believe so, now? Send help. Even though I don't know what kind is necessary. What help I really needed. It has gone so bad that I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. Because somehow despite all this belief that things have gone wrong; I still think it's all in my hea

 This feels like it's all or nothing. It feels like if this don't work, there is no way another solution will cropped up and solve it. And even this feels incomplete. Half-hearted. Not perfect. Maybe imperfection is what is necessary. Because it wasn't perfect, far from it. But it worked. Only difference now, the same thing may be causing more problems than it used to. The same thing that felt so right, now gives off the worst feeling ever.  Maybe the reason why it stopped working is because I was looking for perfection. When everything is but. Maybe I need to step back, see it the way it was before, plus whatever imperfections it has this time, and embraced it all. Kinda like the way I did back then. When even the imperfection was beautiful, or at least something that you can laughed at. I hate this dark side of myself. Really can't help thinking the worst, and can't bring myself to think of the ways to bring myself back from it. It sucked. I really missed that tim

 Maybe this can be better. Maybe it won't.  Maybe this will be okay. Maybe it won't. Maybe this will make sense someday. Maybe it never be. Too much uncertainties, and no hopes on the line. Nothing, zero, empty. Feels like walking on glass just to keep up with eating, getting up, trying to pass the time. No answer on the horizon used to be okay, but that is supported by the fact that there was faith.  There is none at the moment. There is nothing that keeps going, except the bare minimum you need in life. That is all, really.  Then you begin to question, what is the point of all this? When there is no hope, no faith, no feelings to guide your decision to do what you needed to do? When there is a very fine line that you tried so hard not to cross just to keep it alive, when you are dying a slow, painful death inside? What is the point of all this? Where is all the hopes and faith that everything will work out eventually in the end?

Masih mencari arah, masih mengharap ada cahaya di hujung jalan, masih ada rasa yakin semua pasti akan jadi lebih baik. Cuma sudah terlalu lelah mencari, hampir putus mengharap, keyakinan mula diusik rasa ragu.  Saban hari dikata, satu hari nanti. Saban hari bertanya, sampai bila mahu begini?  Terlalu letih, tetapi tetap percaya. Hingga percaya menjadi beban batu digalas tiap masa. Hingga percaya seperti membohongi diri. Hingga percaya seperti rasa asing. Mungkin hati sudah lelah, tetapi otak tetap gigih. Mungkin hati masih percaya, cuma otak sudah buntu. Mungkin. Semua mungkin. Jika ditanya lima tahun dahulu adakah ini penghujung jalan? Jawapannya tidak, inilah pangkal jalan. Yang tidak disangka, pangkal sahaja sudah terlalu panjang hingga terlalu lelah tidak mampu diteruskan jalan.  Tetapi masih mengharap cahaya di hujung jalan. Masih menekan diri untuk menggerak langkah. Biarlah walau setapak, biarlah ditinggal di belakang lantaran lelahnya hati; kerana yang perlahan itu tetap ke had

(I haven't written anything serious or with purpose for quite some time. But recently I signed up to be a freelance writer, and we'll see if I can get my head on the right track of writing again.) Why do we always look for perfection? Every living being is created as perfect by God, but we ourselves aren't perfect. We are humans, ruled by emotions. We may have stop and think to justify our emotions, but infinitely we will have a decision that is emotion-based. Which is not perfect. We are always trying to please someone with whatever we do. Be it someone dear, someone influential, or even ourselves, we give our best because it involves emotion. We are always influenced by our emotions, that it is inhuman for someone to be emotionless. That emotions made us human, it is part of us.  But isn't it funny, when we asked someone what we do wrong because we wanted to rectify it, most people will say nothing. You are fine just the way you are. You haven't d