a Life's Story

I'm going against my own believes, my own principles that I've been holding on since I learn the word "life" truly. Up and down I go, in time shorter than half a year. Scared, confused, frustrated, angry, and not knowing what to do. Little did I know, all the jumbled up emotions are opening a path that will change almost everything. Not changing who I am, but changing my life. It's a 360° change of path that I don't regret taking. p/s: Cryptic words are fun. And that just shows how complicated my brain does its thinking.

Yes, I write to express what I feel. No, as much I like to talk, I can't say exactly what I feel about everything. Although I speak and write in the same language, why is it so hard for me to say the words out loud as easy as typing/ writing it down?  Not everyone reads people the way I do. Not everyone can figure out things by paying attention and looking carefully the way I do. Not everyone can feels satisfied by the small gestures the way I do. And obviously, not everyone express what they feel in cryptic words the way I do.  p/s: What's wrong with learning to express my own feelings directly without hurting anyone's feelings?

Like I've always said, if it's going to happen, it will. God have His own plans, even when we're lost in our own life. Thanx, to you. :)

Taking a risk, a gamble. But if I don't, how do I live a meaningful life? And if I fail, won't it be a great lesson in life?

Uncertainty. Here and there. Then and now. Lost. Lost. Lost. Show me the right way home. p/s: If you don't know anything, then say and act like nothing. Because if you do, it's either a sign that you care,or that you're trying to meddle with my life.

"Hey, maybe you'll feel better after talking about this to someone..." Bullshit. "I don't know, I don't think anyone can't live alone," Bullshit. "Maybe you should try to give it a try?" I did. Countless times. And after each time trying, I learn not to rely (or even trust people) because all I have is myself. In the end, it's you against the world. And oh, of course I remember I'm never alone even if the world has turned their backs towards me. Allah is always there.

My head is in mess, my brain is still thinking over things that I know have no solutions. Yet. I'm sleepy all the time. Like how human body stops functioning when it's in shock; I can't control my own brain from shutting itself down. Shutting down. Sleeping. Run away from the bitter reality even just for a couple of hours. I'm not physically tired, I'm mentally exhausted. I'm pondering over things I should've just let go but I can't. I've tried, and still trying. For everyone who have been there for me, thank you so much. There's no words that can convey my gratitude, no amount of treasure in the world can repay your kindness. You know who you are.

Maybe if it's not meant to be, then I'll say goodbye to the memories of three years. Maybe if one day we can meet again, and forget all the wrongs between us, we can be the good friends we've once have been. Maybe. Maybe. I'm sorry for the wrongs, and thank you for everything.

It seems like posting with Twitter-length-posts is fun. Because sometimes we don't need that much words to express something. Sometimes even words are not necessary.

Lesson learned, experience gained. Now shall I show you the exit door of my life?