a Life's Story

When I was at lowest point of my life, I'd like to think that everything is unfair. I'd like to think that fate cannot be changed. I'd like to think that I'm going to be in despair forever. How stupid. Wasn't I the one who said that no matter how unlucky my life is, there will always be someone who is worse than me but are still smiling? That the term unlucky is only for the pessimist. That the fact of whether how much luck we have depended on how we get through everything in life. True, I had my share of bad days. True, I've lost things along my life. True, some of them are because of myself. Only to find out that I can enjoy the next normal day because I had my share of bad days. Only to find out that in order to gain some, I have to lose some. Only to learn that making mistakes is how I make myself better. What are you afraid of? You think that the problems you've seen are something you can't handle? Why do you think you can't han...

Anything, and everything that you have in life can be taken away. In an instant. In just a blink of an eye. What is it that you get by backstabbing your friend? What is it that you get by lying to your friend? What is it that you get by doing things, saying stuff to your friends behind their back?  Tell me please. Tell me how much do you consider your friends as friends. Tell me how much you care. Tell me how much you love. Tell me how much humanity is left in you. Because, I don't understand why do you have to do that to your own friend. And his family. Because, I'm wondering if he did something to you in the past. And there's none. None that I know. None that I remember.

"I need the courage to stand up and face it, not the strength to run away." 4:54 PM Sat Feb 25 2012 · From anything and everything. Not just problems, but complexes within myself, conflicts, the truths, the lies, the reality, everything. Anything.  I fear that I'm becoming more of a coward day by day. I've lost the usual strength that I can gain just by thinking positive. I've lost the capabilities to shake things off and forget it. I'm no longer who I am, and in that matter, I have never find out who I really am. Is this a problem, or it's just me thinking too much again?

This song hit me. For no obvious reason, but maybe it's the strength of her voice, or the emotions she feels when singing the song? I don't know. And as I went to check the lyrics, I found the translations to the song (saves time for to translate this) The happy things, the sad things I won’t forget any of them Each and every one is lighting up my heart Yes, I’m not “alone” One of the verses that I'm repeating now. いきものがかりー歩いていこう I’ll walk, I’ll walk I’ll live in the present I have the words you gave me Yes, I’ll walk Beyond the pedestrian bridge, I see the winter city I’m crossing to tomorrow with a piece of loneliness in my hand “Can you smile in your heart?” I hear a voice from one day My white breath disappears into the sky  I'm not alone; I hurry to the station “I’ve decided I won’t go home” Like the sign of a new beginning, the snow has begun to fall I’ll walk, I’ll walk I’ll live in the present Even if I get hurt, I want to believe ag...

If only this time I can run, If only this time I can get away, If only this time I don't get too mad, Too mad that it's bad. It's bad.

I missed you. I miss them. I missed the old times. I missed the memories. I missed the crazy things. I miss the quiet atmosphere. I missed the carefree moments. I missed the old hobbies. I missed the weird things. I missed the ignorance. I missed everything. I missed the past. Sometimes, somewhere in life, there are things you cannot throw away no matter how much it has hurt you before. Could be because you were holding it too close to your heart. Too dear to be forgotten.

I used to think that I know what it means. I used to think that I'm fine. I used to think that I'm not tied to the past. I used to think that I've changed. I used to think that I've moved on. Maybe not.  I've always think that if I'm not moping and crying and being moody all the time is the sign of moving on. Little did I know, it was like lying to myself. True, I don't fake my laugh or smile. But when before I sleep, when I'm alone even just for a few minutes, I catch myself thinking about the past. It feels a little like I'm trying to fit the past into the present.  I compared present to the past, despite keep wanting to leave the past for a better future. I've learned from the past, but learning and living in the past is two very different things. I refused to think that I'm not moving on, to think that I'm fine.  That's a lie. I'm not moving on, at all. I'm good acting that I am; even to myself. * Th...