Dua, tiga hari lepas, kat Twitter heboh orang kutuk budak masscomm. Macam-macam provoke aku jumpa, orang butthurt, orang tak kisah, orang yang pujuk orang butthurt cakap "masscomm awesome", macam-macam lagila. Orang lain maybe tak peduli pun pasal benda ni, tapi yela, kalau dah kena kutuk, mestilah nak bela diri sendiri balik, kan? Ijazah Sarjana Muda Komunikasi dan Pengajian Media dengan Kepujian (Kewartawanan). Tu course aku. Aku tak cakap aku budak masscomm dah, aku cakap aku budak Journalism. Sebab apa? Sebab fundamental masscomm dah belajar masa diploma. Masa diploma, yup, aku budak masscomm. (Sekarang pun masscomm, tapi dah ada major). Sebagai budak yang dulunya suka Fizik dan bercita-cita nak sambung belajar Fizik dan kerja dalam bidang Fizik (astronomi ye, tapi kata orang macam far-fetched sangat), aku boleh nampak beza susah senang Fizik (atau subjek Sains in general la) dengan masscomm ni. Memang betul pun belajar masscomm ni senang je, tak macam belaja...
If you're to ask me now, what is it that I want in life; I'd say I don't know. I don't exactly feel demotivated, or dreading anything but if you ask me how do I see myself in another five years, I cannot see anything. I used to be able to have a picture of myself going through something, or achieving something. Right now it feels like a blank canvas. Not exactly dark or in a gloomy sense, though. Despite no longer having goals, I feel normal. Not too sad, not overjoyed either. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what will it be like if things are different. Like if I'm still working, or if my mother in law is still around; things that are no longer within my reach. There was the time when these thoughts would be able to kill my head, but no longer. I just wonder and wonder, and never managed to get an answer or goals or whatever it is that I'm looking for. It does not feel completely empty, it just feel weird. This was not someone I'd imagine I woul...
Shed tears, yet again. But could never figure out the reason, and is always thinking: what if? Perhaps the uncertainties of what-ifs are hitting hard. Most of the times, the uncertainties are being pushed away to be replaced by a mirage. Pretty sure mirage isn't real, but it seems like that is the only way to forget, and to continue functioning. Existing. Pretty harsh on anyone, this. But it feels like no words can be expressed, not enough gestures in the world to illustrate the gravity of the situation. Or maybe not so grave, but the toll on the mind, seems to be making this into really slow, excruciating death. That mirage is an escape for runaways. Reality is still there, making sure nobody forgets. It feels surreal sometimes, because the possibilities of what-ifs are pressing hard. What if this all a dream, and when you wake up, you don't even exist in the first place?
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