a Life's Story

You can pretend all you want, you can act like nothing is happening, you can still laugh and smile like it's not bothering you. Well, of course you can. How can something so little, affecting your life on the whole? I don't see how. Or rather, I don't understand how. Maybe talking this through will solve everything. Maybe trying to change who we both are will help to overcome this. Maybe ignoring it in the first place, not doing anything, will make sure that this never happened. Maybe, maybe. How I wish I can turn back time countless times, just so I can see how each 'maybe' works. But I don't have the liberty of doing so, and right now I'm bracing myself with whatever that may and may not be due to one decision.

Your spoken words are promises, and your action determines whether you are true to your words or the other way round. And yes, it is the other way round, sadly. When you start to feel the distance the way I do, don't bother trying to close the gap. It has gone beyond something that you can cover.

I keep losing myself, and finding it again and again that I don't know the essentials of being me. Who am I?

I won't claimed that I know a lot, or I've seen a lot. But after almost 23 years of life, I learnt that life is really not as it seems. Yes, probably you've heard this all the time, but I wonder how much do we really see its significance? I've met so many people, all with different personalities. People that you think is bad, is actually very kind, and vice versa. Most of the times, people who seems to have an attitude are only restricted by current problems, or are haunted by the past (like me, duh).  Due to this, I'm trying very hard not to judge people by how they look, or what people have been telling me. Sometimes, I don't give a damn about what people say, I still try to get to know that person. I mean, who cares if she can't talk nicely? Who cares if that guy is lazy? Sometimes, the person who can't talk nicely was just being honest. The lazy guy may be able to think wiser than most of us put together. Who knows?

I know you can't see it yet; you haven't found it. But when you can begin to understand what I was telling you, and to see life like how I pictured it to you, you'll find that it's not that hard to put the past where it belongs; the past.

Sometimes, I like reading my own posts, just to remind myself how good life is right now, or how I get through a difficult phase. Honestly, I've been through a lot, but only within myself. It doesn't really show, the complexes or the swirly thoughts that I usually have. Even if it does, people can't really guess why I was down. I'd have to say that being so down, that you can barely pick yourself back up again is really not the best feeling in the world. To be fair, it is actually one of the worst. If you ever cried yourself to sleep, feeling miserable, it's just like that, only multiplied by a hundred times. And it drags you down. (It is a period of depression after all.) Performance is dropping, your interaction with others become limited because you're edgy all the time. And that's just a few, because different people may have different situations. I get through mine by a sudden realisation. When I realised I can accomplish nothing if I keep ...

Sooner or later, I'm going to get lost in this game that I created. And that is if I don't end up broken first. And until the time comes, I'm going around in circles, so that I know where I am, even though I have no clue where I'm heading. p/s: When did all this started and I started to play games I know I won't win?

Kurang daripada seminggu sebelum semester baru bermula. Dan aku masih belum daftar subjek, atau salin jadual kelas. Bukannya tak buat lagi, tapi banyak yang belum sempurna. Sekurang-kurangnya yuran sudah selesai (PTPTN tolong bayar dulu,). Buka portal pelajar, cuma boleh daftar tiga subjek. Itu pun subjek wajib universiti dan fakulti. Subjek kursus ada, cuma kelasnya tiada. Sedangkan tertera di portal pendaftaran kursus dibuka sejak minggu lepas, mustahil masih belum boleh mendaftar? Jadual juga sama. Yang ada, cuma empat subjek. Sedangkan dalam silibus ada sembilan subjek untuk semester ini. Jujurnya, ini kali pertama pendaftaran kursus dan jadual masih tidak dapat dipastikan selewat ini. Mungkin faktor kampus dan pengurusan yang berbeza. Mungkin kampus lama lebih kecil, lebih mudah untuk disusun jadualnya. Kampus Shah Alam besar, dengan fakulti yang berbagai, dan pecahan kursus di bawah fakulti yang banyak. Malas mahu bising lebih-lebih, walaupun dalam hati rasa patut di...

I find getting to know people I've just met through another people to be interesting. I know everyone says not to listen to others, but I still ask around; as a precaution. It's good to know something about that person, and that they didn't know that you knew. I know it sounds crazy, but usually that's how I get to know people better in a shorter time. Most of the time, I don't really listen to what people has been warning, or telling me. For me, I know I'll have a different way of thinking, so why should my impression of someone be the same as others? Let me learn the truth; my way. Sometimes people are too quick to judge. It could be one mistake, and that person is forever guilty. I learnt the hard way not to expect perfection, and that's how I try to get friends. It's really fine with me if you're not as good as what others have been telling me. Everyone makes mistakes, and me included. p/s: Even if this is a mistake, I hope...