a Life's Story

Tidak salah rasanya kalau kau tidak mampu untuk lupa. Tidak salah juga kalau kau masih teringat, masih terkenang. Yang salah, kau terlalu teringat, sampai lupa yang sekarang. Yang salah, bila kau dahulukan  yang dulu daripada yang sekarang. Yang salah, kalau kau masih ingat, dan kau sering mencanang, sampai lupa, yang sekarang sudah terluka hati.

I still have faith, despite losing the trust. But no matter what, I still wonder if this is worth it.

Time flies. It has been a month. And the truth? I don't believe a single word you've told me since that day.

Nak tipu, tipu la. Tapi jangan orang tau. Sebab kalau benda remeh pun kena tipu, apa lagi benda penting kan? Bosan la asyik kantoi menipu je.

Well, that is something new. As much as I know that I'm such an imperfect person, I don't really like to think about what I don't have. Or rather, I really don't give a damn about what others have that I don't, because well, I may have something that they don't. Really, it used to be that simple. That God is fair in His way. That what I have, who I am, is enough for me, and that is all that really matters. That He will only give me what I need, not what I want. That He knows better. Never before I feel this inferior to someone. True, someone else is smarter, someone else is better looking, but I don't care about that. This time, regardless of what I have done, what I have given, I still feel like it's not enough. That I can never do enough, give enough. It's crazy, but I'm already at my limits. That I don't know what else I should do, what else to feel just to be rid of this insecurity. It hurts. Someone else is much better. ...

Same dream, same situation, different people. I like dreamless sleep better.

I miss you.

Kau mahu orang jaga hati kau, ikut kehendak kau. Tapi, ada kau sendiri cuba untuk jaga hati orang lain?

Having ideals are exactly like having dreams. They are not real; not yet anyway. Ideal here means that there is world peace. There is no military dispute, no killing, no crimes. A peaceful world. No fights, no petty squabbles over something so trivial. None of that bullshit.  But no, this is real world. Welcome to the real life. Where everything that I have mentioned above, is happening. All around us. Some even go unpunished. Most of it, really.  Perhaps, if there is world peace, then things will be easier. Maybe there will be no upturned faces, sarcastic remarks, and hikikomori people. People who spend hours online, only to read blogs (ehem,) and taking everything to their heart, spilling it for strangers to see. What I'm saying is, people seems to find inner peace with online provocation. I really, really don't get it. Sure, we condemn people, we argue with them all the time, but to get worked up over something trivial with a complete, total stranger? What...

When it was so chaotic for over a week. I know the chaos is still there, but is suppressed somehow. I really don't have the heart to ask for the answer, and going in circles trying to understand them, if I managed to get any. And to think that the answer might not be something I wanted to hear... Well, let's just stay this way. I'm not one to ignore things, and pretend nothing is happening. I hate that kind of thing. Usually, I'd rather be crying and getting angry as long as I can get it done and over with. But not this time, not this one. I wonder why. Although it's now empty, there is this heavy feeling of keeping things unsettled. I hate it. It's like I'm carrying extra luggage all the time, and it's slowing me down. But then again, I can't bring myself to even talk about it, without losing control and getting angry unnecessarily.  Oh well. Sometimes even I wanted to run away from reality.