Reflection

Okay, I was trying very hard to remember that word in English, because I only have the Japanese：反省、pronounce as hansei. Being multilingual can sometimes be annoying -__-''

Okay, that was unrelated, really. It's really late, around 2.30am, but I still couldn't sleep. Tomorrow I have to get ready, as I'm moving, and the ferry will be on 1.30pm. But usually this late at night, if I couldn't sleep, I like to think, (which makes it harder to fall asleep ^^;;) thinking about anything. And if I can find enough points, I'll write it down and so here I am.

Like the title said, reflection. Suddenly I feel like reflecting the past. I've done wrong, mistakes, gain a small success, and sometimes there's nothing at all that it feels weird to say that I'm living. School time, I made mistake. In interpersonal relationships, but in studies, well, nothing could distract me. There's once during exam that I was really down, so down but I managed to be place fourth, in my year. (Of course, that made me first in my class) I was taking it for granted; the teachers and the fact that studying in school was nowhere near a challenge, it merely the simplest test I'd ever encountered. But then, even if my studies were doing really well, I can't say the same for my relationships with other people. Teachers dislike me, friends (or should I say the students?) hated me. I'm the freak kid who doesn't understand the world. Well, I am, and I did make a mistake to prove that. I repented, seriously. Maybe the biggest mistake after that is that I don't show my remorse over the situation. I acted like nothing had happen, and simply do things my way. I can't help but feeling alienated, feeling lonely and every other negative feelings. I hardly have friends, and even when someone tried to understand me I simply shied away, being unable to trust people as much as they won't trust me. But then, I was feeling so unsecured, so lonely that it might be the reason that I don't want to open up to other people.There are even times I think that if I die, things might be better. But I know who I am, so trying to kill myself shouldn't be an option. I live my life like a robot, having things to do but couldn't find the reason to do it.

But despite living like that, somehow a teacher noticed me, and she tried her hardest trying to make me see my mistakes, the real mistakes, this time. She said sometimes it's alright to pretend and go with the flow, because unless I'm very determine to change the flow, I should follow the flow, but never getting dragged by the current. I tried that, and loud as I was, (despite being lonely) I tried not to attract people's attention, I just do my things, trying my best only to speak when necessary (I failed about talking less, but at least I managed not to talk about rubbish) but somehow, I'm able to fit in, to blend in with another people. But despite that, I still can't help but feel that I'm different than other people, than the people who I spend so much time with. So I kept things inside, burning my ownself from it. I was trying, trying very hard not to hurt people, but in the end I ended up hurting myself. My teacher was right, but I still feel that she was wrong in that, I feel like I don't have to act just to have people to like me. It's better to have enemies because you're being yourself than having friends because you're acting in front of them. That's was when I started to let people hate me, and being grateful for it. Because I AM WHO I AM, why should I be someone else just to please the selfish person? I respected criticism and insults, like I said before, it helps me to correct myself. And it's impossible, to have the whole world to love you, If there are people who likes you for who you are, there will be people that don't understand (or refused to;) who you really are. But this doesn't mean that life is over, it just means that it's part of life. If you have everything that you want in your life, then you won't be able to continue, as to keep on living means you have a goal to achieve, sometime later in life.

Anyway, I'm really grateful towards that teacher. She taught me more than English, she teaches me the value of life and people as well. And she managed to make me understand all these when I was really young, when the rest of my friends are busy catching up with the latest song on the chart or busy over schoolwork. I was 14, 15 at that time, yet I feel like I've seen as much as she had, for all her life. Maybe that's why I can't act like child. Maybe that's why I think more than average teenager would do. Because I've been doing it since that time, and I'm happy that I am.

And that, was when I learned how to keep up with people. After school, I went to college. I have no troubles whatsoever when it comes to dealing with people, (though there are some who hated me because I'm being me) but I was having trouble with my studies. For the first time ever, I don't have a friend who will shout at me when I'm not studying, no more nagging from them to tell me to study. And no more teachers to really teach me until I understand, not in class. I've turned into something who doesn't really care about what will happen. I forgot that ever since I was little, I wanted to be a scientist, and when I was twelve, I decided to be an astronomer (but I sucks in Maths, since forever) I forgot all those little dreams, I forgot that I want to leave the tiny island I'm in, and leave Malaysia for that matter, I want to live on my own, I want to test my ability to become independent. I forgot all that, and neglected my studies. I know I don't have to much effort into it, but I didn't put a single determination in trying to master everything in front of me. And of course, my results were terrible, and only then I see it, only then I regretted it, only then I feel like I should give myself a push. But of course, it was too late, and I doubted myself that I can be an astronomer when Maths is something that doesn't suit me. I think about it again and again, and decided to enroll in a university for the second intake, the December intake. There wasn't much to choose, but I did a little research on every course available for December intake and decided I will take Mass Communication. My dad is against it, mum didn't really say anything, my family talked about me getting into teaching. I ignored them all, my dad never knew about the fact that I can talk about anything, and that I write. I found something that I can do almost effortlessly, simply because I love it, and I have a deep interest in it. I'll make this work, somehow. despite a lot of people disbelief in what Mass Communication can do in my life ^^

I finished writing at.... 4,30am, I was busy with Aegisub XD