a Life's Story

I've always said that I know myself. That I know what I want, I know how I'll do things, I know how I'll react to stuff, that I know who I am.  Reading back my past posts, and watching how I change my writing style in this blog, and looking back in LJ, where the most random rambles are there, and I began to wonder: who am I? I've been dragged to a motivational talk quite a number of times (blame high school) and once, the motivator talked about a topic that I was interested in (still do, in fact,): finding yourself. At the end of the session, he asked us to give him ideas in finding yourself. I remembered saying something like this: "Even if we can't find who we are, we can always create ourselves to be who we want to be." It wasn't the exact words, but it was something along the line. Being a schoolgirl with no idea about the world, I was sure that I'll find myself when I've finished school, get into university and started wor...

I hate putting names in my posts, and I hate having to write everything clearly, to point out to certain someone (although I do, a lot of times). Please, my posts are not about you and you alone. Grow up please.  But then again, if you think I was writing about you, then isn't there a high chance you did something wrong that's enough to leave me an impression; to have a post written, dedicated for you?

If I bore you, just say so. If I'm annoying you, just tell me so. If I do something wrong, let me know. If you just don't want to talk to me: It's okay. I'll leave.

Nah, my entries are not about one person only. Although there's a lot of posts where I write about one person in particular, there's still the random posts about the whole Earth's population in general.

At 22, I still don't have a clear view of what I wanted to do. At 22, I'm still clinging on the old dream that I'm not sure of. At 22, people still treated me like I'm 12, trying to choose which school I should go. At 22, I've made a few life changing decisions. At 22, I've hidden more secrets than a regular person with regular problems does. At 22, well, let's just say life is still going on. I'm not saying I don't have plans for the future. I'm not saying that I don't want to work and just want to laze around, doing nothing. It's just that, the transition is too abrupt. And I'm still adjusting to the change. As much as I said I'm okay with everything, I'm still scared. Thus, all that little things that I'm okay can ticked me more than it should.  Dad has understand that. I just need the world to be like him next.

I'd rather keep it inside because I'll let out some really nasty words about your own words, backfired on you. Dare me and ask.

In terms of hopes and dreams (which is something I posted a lot here,) I don't think if I ever mention exactly what I want in life. I've always said; in future, in past, in present. But never a specific time, never a specific moment. That, plus I love cryptic writing where I can put out the truth on the internet for everyone to read while spinning words that's enough to make even a bookworm wanting to throw up, I've always believed that telling people what you want, what you dreamed of, will make the dreams flew away from your reach. Maybe it's just me, but that's what I believe, ever since I was eight. (Maybe earlier, but I have no recollection on this particular subject before I was eight) In all that dreams, I've never had to put people as a factor that will change whether I will reach it or not. In my imagination, dream is something private, something that you don't share with people. Something that you have to accomplish yourself, something s...

Jujur cakap, aku bukannya benci kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya nak buang kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya nak minta benda bukan-bukan jadi kat kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya tak faham apa yang dah jadi dalam hidup kau. Tak. Sama sekali tak. Tapi kan, jujur cakapla, Aku tak tau mana kawan aku yang aku kenal pergi. Aku tak tau kenapa kawan aku ni dah tak nak terus-terang. Aku tak tau kenapa kawan aku ni nak pura-pura tak tau. Aku tak tau apa dah jadi dengan kawan aku yang kuat semangat tu. Aku tak tau kenapa kau boleh lupa, dekat apa yang kau sendiri cakap dulu. Yang kau bukan main sensitif bila buka cerita. Yang kau keluarkan macam-macam komen berapi-api.  Tapi sekarang? p/s Mungkin post ni boleh buat terbakar, mungkin boleh buat putus kawan. Tapi kalau baru mukaddimah terus tak nak jawab, nak bincang mana juga kan? Dan sejujurnya, sebab aku tau blog ni tak ramai pembaca, (yang pernah baca mungkin pening, tak faham apa aku sampaikan). Pos...

Siapa kita nak kata siapa betul? Siapa kita nak kata siapa salah? Siapa kita nak lawan dengan apa yang Tuhan dah bagi.....

I actually am bursting to tell you about this, but then I don't want to feel like I'm annoying you. Maybe I should stop being selfish?

A lot of things can scare me. But most of them I can just ignore and forget. When I start to freak out, then it's serious. When I'm freaking out, I can't reason myself. Most of the times someone can just say a few words that makes me see something different. Typical things like, 'it's okay, it'll be fine' may calm me down for about ten minutes before I start to freak out again. Which is why I don't like telling people I'm freaking out. Which is why I acted funny when I freaked out. But yeah, the whole situation is just: I'm not okay right now.

Now, I'm way beyond scared. I'm freaking out.