a Life's Story

You know, once in a while I would get really scared of life, scared of what will, what won't happen. Sometimes it's baseless, sometimes it's because I'm waiting or dreading something, or maybe of the fact that I know nothing of what will happen. But eventually I will pull through, by myself, by a lot of help, or things just fall into place. Yet nothing like this, maybe because this is not about just me anymore. Yeah, I was scared I was making the wrong choice when I get married. I wasn't entirely convinced that it's going to last long, for countless reason. See, that part of me that is thinking about the worst possibility, sometimes eats me up. But yeah, since it's just me battling my own thoughts, and I will push them away. I don't know about this time. You see, weeks before my wedding I freaked out, even freaked my husband, but yeah, we got married anyway. I finally got down to the fact that if something is going to be, then face it. Face it l...

"Kitorang dah kena dulu, korang ni hadap jela," "Kitorang dulu lagi teruk, manja sangat semua nak complain," Imagine, saying this again after 30 years. Imagine, even after 30 years, nothing has changed. Imagine, after 30 years, you are not moving anywhere simply because you refuse to change the way it has always been. Change is not scary. Change is not for the simple minded people. Change is not for the lazy ones, who preferred the way it was simply because it's better for them but not everyone. Change is not easy. Changing mentality cannot be done by only one revolutionary individual. Changing mentality is teamwork, a team that is willing to work for the benefit of everyone, not just pampering selected individuals. Thinking that juniors should always do the little things to learn, and condemning them when they are not able to, after they are tired of it, are the reason why mentality cannot be changed. Seniors are superior than juniors. Really? Experience s...

Love is seeing all the dark sides but still trying to shed light on it.

I have always wondered why do I have to take all those feelings inside myself, letting it flooding my thoughts, my brain, but on the same time doing or facing something completely different than what I am having in my head? I know for a fact that I am too sensitive when it comes to feeling things and emotion. I know that my thoughts are messed up with all the weirdest emotions at a time. Yet still I didn't stop, yet I'm still letting myself to be having all those emotions. Funny, God made me to be that sensitive, yet not so susceptible to emotions that may ruin my daily routine. I'm so angry that I have punched a wall but I still smile to random strangers. I may have cried my eyes out yet I am still up talking to a friend about something completely different. Is it tiring, or is it lonely that I have all those emotions inside of me but not spilling them out to anyone? Even I don't know the answer. Even I can't say that I'm okay. Maybe I am, but maybe I'm ...

Entah sudah berapa kali, tetapi aku masih mengulang frasa "Tuhan itu adil". Adil, cuma kita tidak nampak, kita tidak mampu menilai. Kita salahkan Tuhan itu kejam hanya kerana satu ujian kecil, sedangkan nikmat yang sudah dihulur-Nya begitu banyak hingga tidak mampu dihitung. Mudahkan kerja orang, insya Allah Dia mudahkan kerja kita. Mungkin kita tidak nampak, mungkin kita tidak akan pernah sedar. Hari ni, seorang lelaki tua warga Britain mengingatkan aku dengan adil Tuhan. BI872 ke Bandar Seri Begawan lewat lima jam daripada waktu sepatutnya, dan dia datang meminta maaf kerana menunggu. Sedangkan manusia yang biasa pasti akan mengeluarkan perkataan kurang enak, tetapi dia sebaliknya. Katanya begini, "we only do it once, but you have to face it everyday," Terima kasih Mr. Bree. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan aku tidak rugi untuk bersabar, dan tidak rugi untuk terus senyum meski sedang dilanda 1001 masalah. Terima kasih.

Hari tu aku terbaca satu Facebook post yang sebut pasal jangan risau kalau grad lambat, sebab Tuhan ada rancangan dia sendiri. Dan sudah semestinya aku teringat masa aku susah payah nak habiskan ijazah ni. Keputusan dah keluar lama, adalah dua, tiga minggu lepas. Tak dapat pun ANC ke, dekan ke, tapi alhamdulillah lepas juga 3.0. Aku tambah satu semester daripada kawan-kawan aku, semata-mata nak habiskan academic writing. Jujur cakap, semester yang sepatutnya aku habiskan benda alah tu semester paling gila untuk aku. Aku tak sampai hati nak cakap apa yang buatkan aku extend, sebab macam salahkan ayah sendiri and tak redha dengan ketentuan Tuhan pulak. Kalau orang tanya pun, jawapan aku paling mudah, tak ada rezeki nak konvo sekali. Tak ada rezeki nak habis awal. Aku tahu je orang rasa aku tak patut kerja part-time masa tu, tapi aku fikir, kalau tak kerja, siapa nak hulur duit minyak kereta nak pergi kelas? Siapa nak tolong bayar printing segala assignment? Kelas sepanjang hari kat fa...

Aku tak suka simpan kawan ramai-ramai. Kalau tanya kenapa, aku pun tak tahu. Bukan tak best bila kau ada satu geng yang sama kepala dengan kau, tapi itulah; aku masih tak minat nak ada kawan ramai. Kalau ikut logik, mestilah aku simpan kawan yang baik dengan aku je kan? Yang tak buat hal dengan aku. Yang jaga aku. Yang boleh terima buruk baik aku. Dan tentunya yang aku selesa dengan dia. Tak jugak sebenarnya. Kawan yang aku simpan, kawan yang aku percaya. Kawan yang aku cari bila aku hadap masalah. Kawan yang takde hal nak buang masa hanya sebab nak bagi aku senyum balik. Percaya bagi aku sangat subjektif. Sedangkan kawan yang aku simpan ni pun, aku tak percaya habis. Tapi, aku percaya satu je: dia ni memang kawan aku. Jangan tanya macam mana aku nilai, sebab aku sendiri susah nak faham. Sebab kawan aku ni ada je tipu aku, buat aku marah, buat aku nangis pun ada jugak. Tapi aku masih percaya, aku masih kata, "kau jela bestfriend aku,". Aku sendiri tak harap pun dapat kawa...