a Life's Story

 Maybe this can be better. Maybe it won't.  Maybe this will be okay. Maybe it won't. Maybe this will make sense someday. Maybe it never be. Too much uncertainties, and no hopes on the line. Nothing, zero, empty. Feels like walking on glass just to keep up with eating, getting up, trying to pass the time. No answer on the horizon used to be okay, but that is supported by the fact that there was faith.  There is none at the moment. There is nothing that keeps going, except the bare minimum you need in life. That is all, really.  Then you begin to question, what is the point of all this? When there is no hope, no faith, no feelings to guide your decision to do what you needed to do? When there is a very fine line that you tried so hard not to cross just to keep it alive, when you are dying a slow, painful death inside? What is the point of all this? Where is all the hopes and faith that everything will work out eventually in the end?

Masih mencari arah, masih mengharap ada cahaya di hujung jalan, masih ada rasa yakin semua pasti akan jadi lebih baik. Cuma sudah terlalu lelah mencari, hampir putus mengharap, keyakinan mula diusik rasa ragu.  Saban hari dikata, satu hari nanti. Saban hari bertanya, sampai bila mahu begini?  Terlalu letih, tetapi tetap percaya. Hingga percaya menjadi beban batu digalas tiap masa. Hingga percaya seperti membohongi diri. Hingga percaya seperti rasa asing. Mungkin hati sudah lelah, tetapi otak tetap gigih. Mungkin hati masih percaya, cuma otak sudah buntu. Mungkin. Semua mungkin. Jika ditanya lima tahun dahulu adakah ini penghujung jalan? Jawapannya tidak, inilah pangkal jalan. Yang tidak disangka, pangkal sahaja sudah terlalu panjang hingga terlalu lelah tidak mampu diteruskan jalan.  Tetapi masih mengharap cahaya di hujung jalan. Masih menekan diri untuk menggerak langkah. Biarlah walau setapak, biarlah ditinggal di belakang lantaran lelahnya hati; kerana yang perlahan it...

(I haven't written anything serious or with purpose for quite some time. But recently I signed up to be a freelance writer, and we'll see if I can get my head on the right track of writing again.) Why do we always look for perfection? Every living being is created as perfect by God, but we ourselves aren't perfect. We are humans, ruled by emotions. We may have stop and think to justify our emotions, but infinitely we will have a decision that is emotion-based. Which is not perfect. We are always trying to please someone with whatever we do. Be it someone dear, someone influential, or even ourselves, we give our best because it involves emotion. We are always influenced by our emotions, that it is inhuman for someone to be emotionless. That emotions made us human, it is part of us.  But isn't it funny, when we asked someone what we do wrong because we wanted to rectify it, most people will say nothing. You are fine just the way you are. You haven't d...

Jujur cakap aku tak pernah rasa rapat dengan mak, adik-adik atau pun ayah aku. Aku lagi selesa luahkan perasaan pada kawan, lagi selesa untuk tidak terlalu dekat secara hati ke hati dengan keluarga sendiri. Mungkin cara mama dan ayah sendiri yang sangat jarang menyebut perasaan, jadi kami adik-beradik agak kurang vokal tentang rasa hati. Tapi lepas Adam lahir, aku tengok sendiri macam mana adik aku dan mama jaga Adam. Jaga aku. Ya, bukan kali pertama mereka berkorban tapi kerana Adam mata aku jadi lebih celik. Mungkin juga kerana aku sendiri sudah jadi mama, jadi aku mula belajar perasaan seorang ibu. Walaupun keluarga aku jarang memahami sebab atas setiap tindakan aku, tapi mereka jarang pertikaikan melainkan pandangan mereka lebih baik. Aku perhati sendiri macam mana mama dan adik aku sanggup korbankan tidur untuk menjaga Adam sedangkan aku ibunya sendiri hanya menjenguk Adam setiap kali dia menangis, dua malam itu. Dan bila aku bertanya pada mama, bahaya kalau anak kecil menangis ...

If you're to ask me now, what is it that I want in life; I'd say I don't know. I don't exactly feel demotivated, or dreading anything but if you ask me how do I see myself in another five years, I cannot see anything. I used to be able to have a picture of myself going through something, or achieving something. Right now it feels like a blank canvas. Not exactly dark or in a gloomy sense, though. Despite no longer having goals, I feel normal. Not too sad, not overjoyed either. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what will it be like if things are different. Like if I'm still working, or if my mother in law is still around; things that are no longer within my reach. There was the time when these thoughts would be able to kill my head, but no longer. I just wonder and wonder, and never managed to get an answer or goals or whatever it is that I'm looking for. It does not feel completely empty, it just feel weird. This was not someone I'd imagine I woul...

You know, once in a while I would get really scared of life, scared of what will, what won't happen. Sometimes it's baseless, sometimes it's because I'm waiting or dreading something, or maybe of the fact that I know nothing of what will happen. But eventually I will pull through, by myself, by a lot of help, or things just fall into place. Yet nothing like this, maybe because this is not about just me anymore. Yeah, I was scared I was making the wrong choice when I get married. I wasn't entirely convinced that it's going to last long, for countless reason. See, that part of me that is thinking about the worst possibility, sometimes eats me up. But yeah, since it's just me battling my own thoughts, and I will push them away. I don't know about this time. You see, weeks before my wedding I freaked out, even freaked my husband, but yeah, we got married anyway. I finally got down to the fact that if something is going to be, then face it. Face it l...

"Kitorang dah kena dulu, korang ni hadap jela," "Kitorang dulu lagi teruk, manja sangat semua nak complain," Imagine, saying this again after 30 years. Imagine, even after 30 years, nothing has changed. Imagine, after 30 years, you are not moving anywhere simply because you refuse to change the way it has always been. Change is not scary. Change is not for the simple minded people. Change is not for the lazy ones, who preferred the way it was simply because it's better for them but not everyone. Change is not easy. Changing mentality cannot be done by only one revolutionary individual. Changing mentality is teamwork, a team that is willing to work for the benefit of everyone, not just pampering selected individuals. Thinking that juniors should always do the little things to learn, and condemning them when they are not able to, after they are tired of it, are the reason why mentality cannot be changed. Seniors are superior than juniors. Really? Experience s...