a Life's Story

I missed you. I miss them. I missed the old times. I missed the memories. I missed the crazy things. I miss the quiet atmosphere. I missed the carefree moments. I missed the old hobbies. I missed the weird things. I missed the ignorance. I missed everything. I missed the past. Sometimes, somewhere in life, there are things you cannot throw away no matter how much it has hurt you before. Could be because you were holding it too close to your heart. Too dear to be forgotten.

I used to think that I know what it means. I used to think that I'm fine. I used to think that I'm not tied to the past. I used to think that I've changed. I used to think that I've moved on. Maybe not.  I've always think that if I'm not moping and crying and being moody all the time is the sign of moving on. Little did I know, it was like lying to myself. True, I don't fake my laugh or smile. But when before I sleep, when I'm alone even just for a few minutes, I catch myself thinking about the past. It feels a little like I'm trying to fit the past into the present.  I compared present to the past, despite keep wanting to leave the past for a better future. I've learned from the past, but learning and living in the past is two very different things. I refused to think that I'm not moving on, to think that I'm fine.  That's a lie. I'm not moving on, at all. I'm good acting that I am; even to myself. * Th...

Kadang-kadang kita fikir banyak sangat, sampai makan diri sendiri. Kadang-kadang benda tu tak bagi kesan apa-apa pun, tapi kita fikir dan fikir sampai  kita sendiri sakit. Sampai kita jadi sakit, kita jadi paranoid.  Kadang-kadang benda tu tak ada apa-apa pun. Kita je negatif sangat. *cakap dengan diri sendiri*

Hello, old friend. How are you doing? Is your life still the same when I last saw you? Have you found the reason to keep living the life you had before? Or you haven't, and are still doing the things that you used to do? Have you reached the dreams that we once shared? I'm sorry for disappearing from you like that. I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye properly. I'm sorry I didn't tell you my decision to go away. I'm sorry that the dreams that we shared is now not something that I wanted to do anymore. We were both young, both with crazy ideas and with no clue whatsoever of the real life ahead.  We did many crazy stuff together, didn't we? Sometimes I looked back and reminisce the past, and think about how I missed them. How I missed hanging out with you, how I missed the times when we talked about our problems and cursing the people who gave us trouble, how I missed the moments when we shared our true feelings, or just when you sat next to me...

There I was again tonight Forcing laughter, faking smiles Same old tired, lonely place Walls of insincerity Shifting eyes and vacancy Vanished when I saw your face All I can see, is that it was enchanting to meet you Your eyes whispered 'have we met?' Crossed the room, your silhouette Starts to make its way to me The playful conversation starts Counter all your quick remarks Like passing notes in secrecy And it was enchanting to meet you All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you This night is sparkling Don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck Blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you One game question kept me up 2 AM, who do you love? I wonder till I'm wide awake I know I'm pacing back and forth Wishing you were at my door I'd open up and you would say 'hey' It was enchanting to meet you All I know is I was enchanted to meet you This night is sparkling Don'...

Bukan tak marah, tapi sabar. Bukan tak dengar, tapi buat- buat tak tahu. Bukan tak ada perasaan, tapi tak nak panjangkan cerita. Bukan tak faham, tapi tak perlu bergaduh. Bukan tak nak peduli, tapi nak jaga hati. *First post in Malay? I need reasons to write in my own native language.... Hit me please.

I'm away from home. Really far away. Almost three hours of flight away. Flight, not drive. Booking a flight ticket isn't the same as putting gas into your car and driving to wherever you want to go. But sometimes I wish it's as easy as that. That I can go home anytime I'm free, without having to worry about expenses and what-not. Yes, last night was the last straw. Last night was the time for me to go really crazy, time for me to let go of everything inside me. Around 12am this morning, I dragged few of my housemates, and a couple of guy friends with me to the beach.  I know, midnight, beach, no one else. But I like listening to the waves, it soothes me. Plus driving around at night is also another way for me to release my stress. Sometimes, in the middle of the night when I'm stressed I will drive around without destination. If I'm somewhere I'm familiar with, I'll go to the beach myself. If not, I'll just drive round and round, paying litt...

I think I'm jealous of other kids, even my own brothers and sisters sometimes.  Remember when you were a kid, your parents were always nagging about your homework? You parents will asked you what you have learnt, and that you should go study or read your books? Well, I have never been asked. Say hello to my world. When I was a kid, I always wonder if my parents really love me. I wonder if I'm really their daughter, I wonder if I'm the unwanted child. I wonder if I run away, would they be looking for me. (A child's mind can be extra imaginative sometimes, and mine was... well, as you can read.) But I spend a lot of time with dad, although almost everything that I can remember about mum when I was a kid was that she kept scolding (and hitting me) me because I was a naughty kid. I remember that she was the strict parent, while my dad spoiled me as much as he can :) I was really scared of mum, I kept everything away from her. I remember once when mum told dad t...

When all my friends are guys, I received a LOT, give LITTLE. When I got girlfriends, I learn how to give and take in balance. I might sound like I'm complaining. I'm not. With guys, they cut some slack when they're with me, so I'm spoiled in a way. When I'm with girls, I hurt them so much with words that nobody stick around. Well, there's a few exceptions. These girls, somehow they accepted me. My boyish side, often hurt girlfriends, and it irritate guys to no end. I guess it's to be expected, when you're something in between, there will be a lot of problems in adapting with the crowd. I'm not saying that I have the urge to change my gender; no. I've been friends with guys so much that I talk, act and dress (a bit) like a guy myself. But I'm still a girl, through and through. I just don't act like one. I still think of myself as a girl, and enough people has reminded me that I am one. This post has turned into a ramble, ...

Sometimes I do think that life is unfair, but I keep telling myself that there are people who are in worst condition than I am and I tell myself, "This is nothing". Which is something like a denial to myself. Oh, yes. I know when I'm being in a delusion. When I keep telling myself that everything is okay and I only felt worse. When I tried to smile to everyone but it came as a grimace. When I tried to make a joke but it came as an insult. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I think I'm entitled to get mood swings, I'm a girl after all. But I know, I'm not supposed to vent everything to people around me. Now that's wrong. I should take a breather, take a break and forget that I'm in a mood swing. Forget that I'm feeling miserable for no reason. Heck, I'm a paranoid girl. I have way too much obsessions, way too much phobias. My obsessions are known to annoy people around me, my phobias are making people irritated by my reactions.  I...