a Life's Story

 Shed tears, yet again. But could never figure out the reason, and is always thinking: what if? Perhaps the uncertainties of what-ifs are hitting hard. Most of the times, the uncertainties are being pushed away to be replaced by a mirage. Pretty sure mirage isn't real, but it seems like that is the only way to forget, and to continue functioning. Existing. Pretty harsh on anyone, this. But it feels like no words can be expressed, not enough gestures in the world to illustrate the gravity of the situation. Or maybe not so grave, but the toll on the mind, seems to be making this into really slow, excruciating death.  That mirage is an escape for runaways. Reality is still there, making sure nobody forgets. It feels surreal sometimes, because the possibilities of what-ifs are pressing hard.  What if this all a dream, and when you wake up, you don't even exist in the first place?

 Hitam. Gelap. Sempit. Sepertinya sarang. Tempat disorok segala rasa, disorok semua duka. Tanpa sedar menjadi semakin besar, walaupun ruang tetap sebesar itu. Kian menghimpit. Meski di luar lihatnya sempurna, kembali ke sarang hilanglah seri. Yang tinggal hanya rasa yang menekan dari segenap sudut. Membekas selagi kekal di situ. Cuba keluar, cuba lari, tapi ibaratnya ada tali yang mengikat. Ditarik kembali, dipaksa melihat semua yang cuba disorok. Yang saban hari buat diri sendiri hilang.  Diri sendiri seperti sarang itu. Kian hilang ditelan gelap malam, Hitam sehitamnya.

 It's kinda funny, to remember how you yourself used to be. You wonder how were you like so, when you are definitely not the same person you are today. Then you remember how nothing has affected you, how nothing will be able to shake you down. Perhaps it was all just a facade. Perhaps whatever it was, was never crazy enough to make you drop down to your knees and beg. Because somehow, there was time when you had faith that everything will be fine, eventually. That faith keeps you going, shaped the you back then. Now that faith is gone, you can no longer keep up with the lies, you can't pretend like everything is fine. How can you pretend to be something that you are not? At least back then you believe so, now? Send help. Even though I don't know what kind is necessary. What help I really needed. It has gone so bad that I know I need help, but I don't know what kind. Because somehow despite all this belief that things have gone wrong; I still think it's all in my hea...

 This feels like it's all or nothing. It feels like if this don't work, there is no way another solution will cropped up and solve it. And even this feels incomplete. Half-hearted. Not perfect. Maybe imperfection is what is necessary. Because it wasn't perfect, far from it. But it worked. Only difference now, the same thing may be causing more problems than it used to. The same thing that felt so right, now gives off the worst feeling ever.  Maybe the reason why it stopped working is because I was looking for perfection. When everything is but. Maybe I need to step back, see it the way it was before, plus whatever imperfections it has this time, and embraced it all. Kinda like the way I did back then. When even the imperfection was beautiful, or at least something that you can laughed at. I hate this dark side of myself. Really can't help thinking the worst, and can't bring myself to think of the ways to bring myself back from it. It sucked. I really missed that tim...

 Maybe this can be better. Maybe it won't.  Maybe this will be okay. Maybe it won't. Maybe this will make sense someday. Maybe it never be. Too much uncertainties, and no hopes on the line. Nothing, zero, empty. Feels like walking on glass just to keep up with eating, getting up, trying to pass the time. No answer on the horizon used to be okay, but that is supported by the fact that there was faith.  There is none at the moment. There is nothing that keeps going, except the bare minimum you need in life. That is all, really.  Then you begin to question, what is the point of all this? When there is no hope, no faith, no feelings to guide your decision to do what you needed to do? When there is a very fine line that you tried so hard not to cross just to keep it alive, when you are dying a slow, painful death inside? What is the point of all this? Where is all the hopes and faith that everything will work out eventually in the end?

Masih mencari arah, masih mengharap ada cahaya di hujung jalan, masih ada rasa yakin semua pasti akan jadi lebih baik. Cuma sudah terlalu lelah mencari, hampir putus mengharap, keyakinan mula diusik rasa ragu.  Saban hari dikata, satu hari nanti. Saban hari bertanya, sampai bila mahu begini?  Terlalu letih, tetapi tetap percaya. Hingga percaya menjadi beban batu digalas tiap masa. Hingga percaya seperti membohongi diri. Hingga percaya seperti rasa asing. Mungkin hati sudah lelah, tetapi otak tetap gigih. Mungkin hati masih percaya, cuma otak sudah buntu. Mungkin. Semua mungkin. Jika ditanya lima tahun dahulu adakah ini penghujung jalan? Jawapannya tidak, inilah pangkal jalan. Yang tidak disangka, pangkal sahaja sudah terlalu panjang hingga terlalu lelah tidak mampu diteruskan jalan.  Tetapi masih mengharap cahaya di hujung jalan. Masih menekan diri untuk menggerak langkah. Biarlah walau setapak, biarlah ditinggal di belakang lantaran lelahnya hati; kerana yang perlahan it...

(I haven't written anything serious or with purpose for quite some time. But recently I signed up to be a freelance writer, and we'll see if I can get my head on the right track of writing again.) Why do we always look for perfection? Every living being is created as perfect by God, but we ourselves aren't perfect. We are humans, ruled by emotions. We may have stop and think to justify our emotions, but infinitely we will have a decision that is emotion-based. Which is not perfect. We are always trying to please someone with whatever we do. Be it someone dear, someone influential, or even ourselves, we give our best because it involves emotion. We are always influenced by our emotions, that it is inhuman for someone to be emotionless. That emotions made us human, it is part of us.  But isn't it funny, when we asked someone what we do wrong because we wanted to rectify it, most people will say nothing. You are fine just the way you are. You haven't d...

Jujur cakap aku tak pernah rasa rapat dengan mak, adik-adik atau pun ayah aku. Aku lagi selesa luahkan perasaan pada kawan, lagi selesa untuk tidak terlalu dekat secara hati ke hati dengan keluarga sendiri. Mungkin cara mama dan ayah sendiri yang sangat jarang menyebut perasaan, jadi kami adik-beradik agak kurang vokal tentang rasa hati. Tapi lepas Adam lahir, aku tengok sendiri macam mana adik aku dan mama jaga Adam. Jaga aku. Ya, bukan kali pertama mereka berkorban tapi kerana Adam mata aku jadi lebih celik. Mungkin juga kerana aku sendiri sudah jadi mama, jadi aku mula belajar perasaan seorang ibu. Walaupun keluarga aku jarang memahami sebab atas setiap tindakan aku, tapi mereka jarang pertikaikan melainkan pandangan mereka lebih baik. Aku perhati sendiri macam mana mama dan adik aku sanggup korbankan tidur untuk menjaga Adam sedangkan aku ibunya sendiri hanya menjenguk Adam setiap kali dia menangis, dua malam itu. Dan bila aku bertanya pada mama, bahaya kalau anak kecil menangis ...

If you're to ask me now, what is it that I want in life; I'd say I don't know. I don't exactly feel demotivated, or dreading anything but if you ask me how do I see myself in another five years, I cannot see anything. I used to be able to have a picture of myself going through something, or achieving something. Right now it feels like a blank canvas. Not exactly dark or in a gloomy sense, though. Despite no longer having goals, I feel normal. Not too sad, not overjoyed either. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what will it be like if things are different. Like if I'm still working, or if my mother in law is still around; things that are no longer within my reach. There was the time when these thoughts would be able to kill my head, but no longer. I just wonder and wonder, and never managed to get an answer or goals or whatever it is that I'm looking for. It does not feel completely empty, it just feel weird. This was not someone I'd imagine I woul...

You know, once in a while I would get really scared of life, scared of what will, what won't happen. Sometimes it's baseless, sometimes it's because I'm waiting or dreading something, or maybe of the fact that I know nothing of what will happen. But eventually I will pull through, by myself, by a lot of help, or things just fall into place. Yet nothing like this, maybe because this is not about just me anymore. Yeah, I was scared I was making the wrong choice when I get married. I wasn't entirely convinced that it's going to last long, for countless reason. See, that part of me that is thinking about the worst possibility, sometimes eats me up. But yeah, since it's just me battling my own thoughts, and I will push them away. I don't know about this time. You see, weeks before my wedding I freaked out, even freaked my husband, but yeah, we got married anyway. I finally got down to the fact that if something is going to be, then face it. Face it l...

"Kitorang dah kena dulu, korang ni hadap jela," "Kitorang dulu lagi teruk, manja sangat semua nak complain," Imagine, saying this again after 30 years. Imagine, even after 30 years, nothing has changed. Imagine, after 30 years, you are not moving anywhere simply because you refuse to change the way it has always been. Change is not scary. Change is not for the simple minded people. Change is not for the lazy ones, who preferred the way it was simply because it's better for them but not everyone. Change is not easy. Changing mentality cannot be done by only one revolutionary individual. Changing mentality is teamwork, a team that is willing to work for the benefit of everyone, not just pampering selected individuals. Thinking that juniors should always do the little things to learn, and condemning them when they are not able to, after they are tired of it, are the reason why mentality cannot be changed. Seniors are superior than juniors. Really? Experience s...

Love is seeing all the dark sides but still trying to shed light on it.

I have always wondered why do I have to take all those feelings inside myself, letting it flooding my thoughts, my brain, but on the same time doing or facing something completely different than what I am having in my head? I know for a fact that I am too sensitive when it comes to feeling things and emotion. I know that my thoughts are messed up with all the weirdest emotions at a time. Yet still I didn't stop, yet I'm still letting myself to be having all those emotions. Funny, God made me to be that sensitive, yet not so susceptible to emotions that may ruin my daily routine. I'm so angry that I have punched a wall but I still smile to random strangers. I may have cried my eyes out yet I am still up talking to a friend about something completely different. Is it tiring, or is it lonely that I have all those emotions inside of me but not spilling them out to anyone? Even I don't know the answer. Even I can't say that I'm okay. Maybe I am, but maybe I'm ...

Entah sudah berapa kali, tetapi aku masih mengulang frasa "Tuhan itu adil". Adil, cuma kita tidak nampak, kita tidak mampu menilai. Kita salahkan Tuhan itu kejam hanya kerana satu ujian kecil, sedangkan nikmat yang sudah dihulur-Nya begitu banyak hingga tidak mampu dihitung. Mudahkan kerja orang, insya Allah Dia mudahkan kerja kita. Mungkin kita tidak nampak, mungkin kita tidak akan pernah sedar. Hari ni, seorang lelaki tua warga Britain mengingatkan aku dengan adil Tuhan. BI872 ke Bandar Seri Begawan lewat lima jam daripada waktu sepatutnya, dan dia datang meminta maaf kerana menunggu. Sedangkan manusia yang biasa pasti akan mengeluarkan perkataan kurang enak, tetapi dia sebaliknya. Katanya begini, "we only do it once, but you have to face it everyday," Terima kasih Mr. Bree. Terima kasih kerana mengingatkan aku tidak rugi untuk bersabar, dan tidak rugi untuk terus senyum meski sedang dilanda 1001 masalah. Terima kasih.

Hari tu aku terbaca satu Facebook post yang sebut pasal jangan risau kalau grad lambat, sebab Tuhan ada rancangan dia sendiri. Dan sudah semestinya aku teringat masa aku susah payah nak habiskan ijazah ni. Keputusan dah keluar lama, adalah dua, tiga minggu lepas. Tak dapat pun ANC ke, dekan ke, tapi alhamdulillah lepas juga 3.0. Aku tambah satu semester daripada kawan-kawan aku, semata-mata nak habiskan academic writing. Jujur cakap, semester yang sepatutnya aku habiskan benda alah tu semester paling gila untuk aku. Aku tak sampai hati nak cakap apa yang buatkan aku extend, sebab macam salahkan ayah sendiri and tak redha dengan ketentuan Tuhan pulak. Kalau orang tanya pun, jawapan aku paling mudah, tak ada rezeki nak konvo sekali. Tak ada rezeki nak habis awal. Aku tahu je orang rasa aku tak patut kerja part-time masa tu, tapi aku fikir, kalau tak kerja, siapa nak hulur duit minyak kereta nak pergi kelas? Siapa nak tolong bayar printing segala assignment? Kelas sepanjang hari kat fa...

Aku tak suka simpan kawan ramai-ramai. Kalau tanya kenapa, aku pun tak tahu. Bukan tak best bila kau ada satu geng yang sama kepala dengan kau, tapi itulah; aku masih tak minat nak ada kawan ramai. Kalau ikut logik, mestilah aku simpan kawan yang baik dengan aku je kan? Yang tak buat hal dengan aku. Yang jaga aku. Yang boleh terima buruk baik aku. Dan tentunya yang aku selesa dengan dia. Tak jugak sebenarnya. Kawan yang aku simpan, kawan yang aku percaya. Kawan yang aku cari bila aku hadap masalah. Kawan yang takde hal nak buang masa hanya sebab nak bagi aku senyum balik. Percaya bagi aku sangat subjektif. Sedangkan kawan yang aku simpan ni pun, aku tak percaya habis. Tapi, aku percaya satu je: dia ni memang kawan aku. Jangan tanya macam mana aku nilai, sebab aku sendiri susah nak faham. Sebab kawan aku ni ada je tipu aku, buat aku marah, buat aku nangis pun ada jugak. Tapi aku masih percaya, aku masih kata, "kau jela bestfriend aku,". Aku sendiri tak harap pun dapat kawa...

Betul mat saleh kata, what you've give you will get back. Aku tak minta pun jadi macam ni. Aku tak terniat pun nak buat macam ni. Tapi macam manusia lain, aku bukannya kuat sangat. Banyak kurang yang susah nak ditampung. Banyak silap yang dah tak mampu nak dibetulkan. Tapi itulah, kalau tak belajar daripada silap, siapa lagi nak mengajar? Hadap realiti, seberapa ramai kawan baik, keluarga yang sayang sekali pun, pokok pangkalnya pada diri kita sendiri. Mampukah kita untuk menepis semua bisik-bisik jahat syaitan? Mungkin. Tuhan sudah berikan caranya, sudah tunjukkan jalannya. Terpulang kepada kita untuk terus sesat atau berpatah balik dan memulakan semuanya kembali. Wallahu'alam.

Mudah untuk kita melihat salah jika bukan pada diri sendiri. Mudah untuk kita melihat benar jika pada diri sendiri. Sedangkan diri sendiri tidak mungkin sentiasa benar, dan mereka yang lain tidak sentiasa salah. Sifat kita sukar mahu mengalah, melihat diri sendiri kurang. Sifat kita cuba meletakkan diri sendiri di tempat paling tinggi, dan orang lain di satu sudut paling hina. Kita lupa, siapa pun kita, pengakhirannya nanti serupa. Dikambus tanah, ditiup angin.  Siapa ibu dan ayah memang mencorak permulaan kita. Sedang kita belajar mengenal dunia, kita lihat sendiri akibat baik buruk sesuatu laku. Bukan cikgu tidak pernah cerita, bukan ustaz tidak pernah menegur, bukan ibu ayah tidak pernah mengingat. Tapi kita sering lupa, kerana kita mahu berada di atas. Kita ego. Kita sukar untuk melihat dengan mata hati. Kita lihat, dengar dan sebut yang kita percaya, yang kita mahu percaya. Kita berpura-pura tidak tahu, tidak nampak yang benar. Hanya kerana yang benar meletakkan kita...

Pernah kau rasa, semua benda dalam dunia tak adil dan kau marah Tuhan sebab susahkan hidup kau? Pernah kau rasa, Tuhan baik sangat dengan kau sampai kau menangis rasa kau hina dan tak layak semua tu? Pernah kau teringat, kau tengking mak kau dan kau menangis dengan rasa bersalah sebab mak kau dah tak ada? Pernah kau rasa, nampak pengemis di tepi jalan dan kau fikir, carilah kerja sementara badan masih sihat? Pernah? Manusia sifatnya lemah. Selalu lupa yang mereka tidak akan selamanya di atas, sering tersedar apabila sudah di bawah. Manusia sifatnya lupa, kita perlu ingat diri sendiri dan masing-masing. Manusia juga sifatnya berubah. Tidak mustahil yang baik menjadi jahat, dan jahat menjadi baik.

I am blessed. So are you. Everyone has blessings from Him. All in different ways, because He knows which blessing is better. But we don't. And we like to curse the blessing, saying that it's His wrath. Be grateful, we never would think that we are missing anything that we have. Why mourn over something we don't have; don't need?