a Life's Story

  I don't know how many people are still checking my blog, but in case you do, here goes~

Trust me to sort the mess in my own head. I feel like I'm overworked, but it's semester break and I've just got my last semester results. I'm doing great, thank you. It increased by a little margin, (which is a good thing, I don't have to stress myself out next semester trying to maintain my pointer) and I'm happy for that. But my head is in total mess, I can barely think which stuff I should do first. I think I've been trying to do too much these days, and I'm finally getting the pressure. Here's pretty much what I want to do, though it's mostly fandom related... Translate bump.y's Futari no Hoshi, YUI's Rain, Ikimonogakari's Kimi ga Iru Subbed the three PVs above, plus the ones from fansubbing group, SK (whole epsiode, almost an hour), a clip of Music Station and a radio show Download ALL dramas, movies, variety shows, music and PVs (I've write the list down, and it seem to grow bigger than 100GB o.O) Wallpapers for myself...

I have not lost my will to live but I have found another reason to be happy. I do not give a damn about what people say, but I listened to it and try to correct myself. I have not find a way out of this yet, no, but I am working hard to enjoy the moment I have now. I joked around, play around laugh and smile a lot because that is how I really feel. I said I was down and dispirited but that's a lie, I know it myself. I do not know what is the point of hiding my true feelings and keep putting on a mask. I am happy, I do feel sad and frustrated but I acted like I can feel nothing. I want to be honest, be me and only me. I will show you that someday I will be able to catch my dreams in my hands. My tiny hands that will hold a huge future. Trust me, I am still me and forever will be

Dear you, Look at me. Look at me. I said, look at me and tell me; do you really think I don't have feelings? Or is it you, whom are not able to feel like all other human beings do? You do things according to you, you have never asked me, not even once. I wonder why. Are you that insensitive towards other's feelings? I know, that we are not perfect. But not noticing something that even an unfamiliar person realised is not something that I can understand. And you called yourself a friend? I wonder about that. I wonder where do that come from. Maybe those people don't know you as well as I do. Me, who stick with you all the times, and me, whom you'd ignored because of the people. I wonder what do you see in them. My other friends said you're an idiot, and I said you're kind. I feel like puking when I said those words, I'm lying too much just to save your face. It's not like I'm not your friend anymore, but I have the same feeling with them. Like I don...

Lost . Forever. My friend lost his dad on the same day they were celebrating his mum's birthday. I was already crying, from watching stray dogs being caught and when they let out a cry. Right now, I'm thinking what would it feels like if it's me. Nauzubillah, in any time soon, but still. Who am I to challenge the power of God? How can I predict the future? I wonder how I will be if I'm to face the same situation. I wonder how will our family go on? I wonder if I can go on? I'm an idiot daughter, I've never show any kind of appreciation towards my parents. I'm not a good daughter, and you might as well as call me someone who would not remember her parents for raising her. True, it's so true. How many times have I disappoint my dad? How many times have I made my mum cried? I don't even know myself. See how terrible I am? See how ungrateful I am? But still my parents did not tossed me away. My mum did not scold me when I cried after seeing my college...

I'm not perfect. Duh. That's obvious. None of us are. But at least, I know I want to fix all the bad things in me. Few things of them: Talking bad about others behind their back. I thought I've able to control it, but it seems to be worse recently Control my spending, I'm going to get more money by next year, should be careful about it Overcome that stupid laziness and insanity on not caring what will happen when I skipped classes. Insanity should be at a better place Managing time. It was good, but it can be better. There. Sort of early new year resolutions. These are the simple ones, the hard part will come later. Around the year 2011 XD

I've been thinking too much lately. Thinking too much and keeping everything to myself. Either I'm mad, frustrated, sad, lonely even happy. I think too much and I don't know where it takes me. I'm feeling mellow and sensitive and down almost all the time, and despite trying not to dwell to much on it, I keep thinking and it made me feel more miserable. I don't know why, but recently I feel like I'm faking everything. Like I'm forcing myself to smile, and pushing myself to make small conversations. Sometimes I feel like this life isn't the only life I have, the only life I live. (Don't worry about me going crazy, because I am ^^) That I'm tired of living both, and wanted to start over a new one. The proof? I have a lot of unfinished stuff in my laptop and to-do list. Even though I know that I haven't finished one, I started working on another stuff without thinking. It makes me thinking, makes me wonder what is it that is wrong me? Is it beca...

Over a month since my last update. Busy? Yeah. No idea? Yeah. But most of the time, no internet connection. *nods* Finals are on its way. I have like, a little over month before the time comes *sigh*

I'm in my hostel room. I'm in my second month of my second semester here. And since I got a room, the management organised a lot of activities and events that they can think of. And if I want to get a room for next semester, I have to go to these events. My assignments are piling, we have replacement classes every other day because of the coming Eid celebration. I have more than five of unfinished articles, (if it is fit to be called such, that is) and there are even days I can't switch on my laptop. Getting an internet connection is another thing. In other words, I still want to write, but I can't find time to think and write in full. I'm still a student, so study comes first. But whenever I managed to write something, it will be left hanging because I can only spare ten minutes to write and think, and I usually took half an hour to an hour to finish one stuff, if my brain can think of something fast enough. I will continue to write, writing is the only thing le...

I was in Kuala Lumpur, one of the busiest city in Malaysia. Pity. That's what I think of this city. Pity, as I looked around, seeing nothing but cars. Pity. The people have huge cars and house, but with a heart smaller than those who are not exposed to development. Pity. I saw a man, with no legs to walk, lying on the sidewalk, waiting for people to throw him a coin or two. Pity. I saw a blind old man, playing some instrument with a case in front of it. There's a few coins, only a couple of MYR1 in the case. We see this a lot, we see this almost everyday. We, who live in towns like this. I wonder, why did the security ignored the man who was lying just 2 metres away from him. I saw a lot of foreign people, and they seem to be looking at the man. I felt a little ashamed of my own country, my own leaders. They promised, that these weak people will get help. They promised, that we won't be seeing them on the streets anymore. They promised, that these people will be given a b...

Ops, sorry, that may cause some stir. Let's rephrase: Kpop Invasion *sarcasm* I'm disappointed. Really disappointed. I know, there are a lot more people that loves Kpop/ K-dramas (erm, Jpop/ J-dramas lovers are a lot more actually, but we are all geeks, so we met through out the net LOL) And if I'm one of the Kpop fans, I may not complain, but who knows, I'm a practical person, I might complain about this anyway. Now, who loves Animax? I do, before. Why? Because I love animes, simple. But not anymore. I hate Animax, to the max (bad pun, sorry) Aren't Animax supposed to be an anime channel ? Since when that channel, turned into K-dramas channel? I thought Astro got KBS World? Most anime lovers (really loves anime, not just claiming anime is the best thing to watch ever) are guys, and guys don't flail over Kpop artist the way most girls do. So why, do an anime channel is overflowing with Kpop stuff? There are even things like Ani-mates, who promote their blogs...

Okay, I was trying very hard to remember that word in English, because I only have the Japanese：反省、pronounce as hansei. Being multilingual can sometimes be annoying -__-'' Okay, that was unrelated, really. It's really late, around 2.30am, but I still couldn't sleep. Tomorrow I have to get ready, as I'm moving, and the ferry will be on 1.30pm. But usually this late at night, if I couldn't sleep, I like to think, (which makes it harder to fall asleep ^^;;) thinking about anything. And if I can find enough points, I'll write it down and so here I am. Like the title said, reflection. Suddenly I feel like reflecting the past. I've done wrong, mistakes, gain a small success, and sometimes there's nothing at all that it feels weird to say that I'm living. School time, I made mistake. In interpersonal relationships, but in studies, well, nothing could distract me. There's once during exam that I was really down, so down but I managed to be place fo...

I can't see it. Nobody can predict it. It's the future, yet we are anticipating it. Working every second of present for the sake of future. To some, the future is predictable, yet not exact. To others, the future is a blank, unfathomable. As to me, I have a plan for my future. But since I don't know much about it, it feels a little like groping in the darkness. You know you're looking for the switch, but it's so dark that you lost your direction. Now that's something. I know I love metaphors, but this... Right now I've told everyone I wanted to be a journalist, a writer that channels her thoughts on everything that caught her eye. Of course, in a way, I'm already one. I have this blog, and LJ and Twitter as well. Officially, I'm a writer that writes on anything I'm interested in. But I wanted more from this. I wanted to make this my job, gaining money to support my life, with my writing. I don't know how much prospects that I have, but I simp...

I've deleted all previous posts that contain any subbed videos that I've done. In the past, I've created this blog so if I wanted to post something unrelated to my obsession of Japanese stuff, but I fail terribly. That is because I seldom write things other than personal ramblings. So if you're here, you will only see some articles that I write, maybe occasionally rants about daily life as well (usually I do this in LJ) If you're looking for those random Japanese PVs that I subbed, go here . And if you are here for my articles, use it however you like, but remember, it's mine, I wrote them all myself, so you should know to whom the credit must be given. And oh, it would be nice if you tell me first about using the things I've write~ ^^ Translation: Do whatever you like with my articles, but remember to credit me for it

Criticism. To some, it spells hatred. Enemy. To me? The truth, layered with uncivilised tongue talk. Most people are too furious upon listening this, that they didn't stop and try to ponder the words hidden behind the criticism thrown. That they didn't realise, the reason criticism existed is because there is flaw in ourselves. Okay, I'm not trying to be modest by saying that I think about this when I'm mad, but at least when I calmed myself, I can think of pretty much everything; including the impossible stuff. It's amazing, if you manage to rid yourself of early accusations, and let your brain to think carefully and rightfully. The world seems to be a lot brighter, too. But there are times, criticisms shouldn't be taken for granted. In time where the person who is criticising you is angry, or frustrated with you, most of the words that they speak are often exaggerated. Which means, they don't really mean it, OR they've been keeping it from you all of ...

I know, this world is not perfect. I know, there's no one in it that can be considered perfect. No matter what people said, "This people is wealthy, and he's kind too, the kind that you would call perfect" My reaction? Laughing sourly so as no to hurt the person's feeling on that opinion. Let's face it, how many can be really good, without any ill attention at heart? None, I'd say. I'm not saying that everyone is bad, hey, I'm a human too, remember? but perfect is just not the right word. There's no such thing as a perfect being, I'm pretty sure of that. But we tend to be wanting the perfect things, a perfect companion. Why asked about this things when you're not perfect yourself? But I guess, we're having these demands because we're not perfect, and we wanted someone to complete it, to make it perfect.  And in the end, nobody's perfect, and no man is an island ^^

I'm going to cry. I thought I won't ever cross your path again. I thought you'll only be a history, a memory. But no, I was wrong. You come back and hurt me, without knowing it. Nobody knows, truthfully. But I can't help from reliving those times. It was a long time ago, I thought I was over it. I thought by drowning myself in Jpop fandoms will make me forget. I thought that by obsessing myself over Yuto, I'll forget that. I thought that, if I'm close with another guy, I won't remember anymore. I never know I'm this weak when it comes to things like this *sigh* Just when I thought I was strong enough, I was proved wrong. I even cried. I even got into funny mood swings. I... I'm lost. I don't know what else to do. I can't help myself, like how I used to do everytime I'm in trouble. I'm crying now. I'm no longer coherent

If I never said this to you before, please, I'm sorry I'm violent. I speak harshly, and acted nothing like a girl. This time, I won't blame the fact that guys are best friend anymore. But if this hurt you, eventually, tell me straight. Like when I criticize your fashion sense, and you hate it, tell me straight about it. I'll bear in mind not to say it again. So, in a huge return (I know) don't hate me if you don't tell me what is it about me that makes you really mad. Because even though sometimes I know what's on your mind straight away, (even if we just met/ never see each other face-to-face) I can be a dumb who can't understand/ feel the atmosphere, despite it being obvious to others. I'm just a human who loves perfection, so I'm always able to find excuses in everything I do, just to make it appear perfect. But it doesn't mean that I didn't think carefully about what you have said, I'm sorry but I have a huge ego that preve...

How long has it been since I last updated? Almost half a year. Or maybe even more ^^; I've been lurking in LJ for too long, now I noticed it. Forget too long, I've been at LJ everytime I'm awake LOL There's a lot to catch up after all ^^