a Life's Story

Today is 31st, right? *checks calendar* For the past years, I've been content with posting Happy New Year with the same photo (which was stolen, actually). But maybe this year should be a little different, especially when there's a lot of endings and discoveries (literally), this year. January-June: Seriously, I've totally have no recollection on what has happened. But like how I posted a single wish every year, it could be because there was no closure. End of year or not, I still have another semester to go. And another, and another.... July: I think this was when I first stepped foot outside of Malaysia. And it wasn't even with my family, it was with my awesome friends :D Being dramatic, I actually only went to Singapore for a day-trip to Universal Studio Singapore. It was the most tiring day of my life ever, but that was when I had the most fun with friends.  I think everyone's here, whether you can see them clearly or not LOL Proof

All praise to Allah. I have reached half of the closure. Pretty effortless, and it seems silly because I was worrying about it. Really, thank God for it. And now I have work to get the other half put together, as it supposed to be. :)

To all my close friends who have found out; everyone has asked: "Why?" Honestly? I can give out a never ending list for an answer, and you might find that some other people, including those friends with traits similar to the ones on that list. But really, I don't know why. I mean, should I have a reason? Do I need one? I asked most of them about this, and they said no, and stop pursuing the topic on their own. I do understand the shock and the need to ask why though, but I just can't give a straight answer. If anyone is in my position, would you be able to give the exact answer to that question? Truth said, I don't even want to look for the answer. Because I think I've already know that I don't need one :)

Really, that is not the best thing you can say to me. And honestly, I am trying not to lose to my temper. What you're doing is simply adding fuel to the fire. Do you honestly think that you can just pretend like nothing had happened and I will be okay with that? Wrong.

I love them because they have the most honest lyrics ever (to me anyway). And I don't really have lots of love songs nor listen to RnB, raps and such, but usually I can listen to them. They don't have the prettiest voice, or the best music, but to me the lyrics are the one that counts.  And they're disbanding next year... The DJ is going to be the chief priest (his home is a temple). No more bittersweet lyrics :( Funky Monkey Babys - Sakura Tears of gratitude are overflowing in my heart now I want to protect you forever, forever Cherry blossoms fall, they fall on us as we feel brand new Let’s walk hand in hand forever, forever Until the end of time… I’ll speak from my heart now and tell you how I truly feel for the first time I have these emotions, without any lies, only for you It was so hard for me but I never showed it to anyone else With you, I felt like I could shed all the tears I kept deep in my heart From here on out, this path w

Have your friends or family come to you for advice? Saying that they're torn between two choices?  Let's say that the two choices are "yes" or "no". You're confused, you don't know which one is the better choice, because you think that both yes and no are good choices. So you turn to someone, to ask for their opinion. If you come to me, I will mostly say either yes or no, firmly. Let's say I'd go with yes. I will tell all sorts of advantages that a yes has to offer. Although, all the positive comments will be stopped with a "but". Yes has this-and-that advantages. But, that's for my situation, from my position, I can say that. And no has here-and-there disadvantages. But , for you it's a different matter. That disadvantages may be something with a profit for you. Well, honestly. If you come and ask me which is better I'll say yes. But to you, for your position would you say yes is the better choice entir

Because I don't say it well, and because I'm too scared to find out the answer;  I just went and say what I really feel, bluntly.

Bah! I'm blessed with great instincts. Too great, that sometimes it affected my life in advance. And by advance, I mean, two-three weeks notice. For some reason, I dreaded going back to this place. Even though it means that I get to go home (I honestly have lost track of where is home exactly) I still dreaded the flight. The airport was a mess, I had a headache that was gone only last night. Plus there's this one guy, who took all my patience not to swing a kick right into his gut. The journey was terrible due to turbulence (I'm not blaming anyone here) and for the first time ever, I can't sleep during a flight. Which is weird, I usually will fall asleep as soon as the flight takes off, all the time. Plus I was unlucky enough to have met a rude flight attendant, who took the rest of my patience level down to the bare minimum. Landed, wait forever for the luggage to arrive, got harassed (bothered) again by a random stranger, went for dinner (finally ha

No matter how many times I've told myself to be strong, no matter how many times I've told myself that I'm okay, that I can get through this, no matter how many times I've tried to go on, I still can't do anything when everything is crumbling to pieces. I'm stuck. And there's no helping it. I'm stuck and I have to deal with all this by myself. Like always. Because it's the truth, and who am I kidding anyway? As it always do when I'm stuck, gathering remaining strength to run away from all this mess is far much easier than having to face this all alone. p/s Is trying hard not to tweet, because if I started to I might rambled all the way there. At least in my blog people can choose whether or not to read the rubbish I posted.

I've always said that I know myself. That I know what I want, I know how I'll do things, I know how I'll react to stuff, that I know who I am.  Reading back my past posts, and watching how I change my writing style in this blog, and looking back in LJ, where the most random rambles are there, and I began to wonder: who am I? I've been dragged to a motivational talk quite a number of times (blame high school) and once, the motivator talked about a topic that I was interested in (still do, in fact,): finding yourself. At the end of the session, he asked us to give him ideas in finding yourself. I remembered saying something like this: "Even if we can't find who we are, we can always create ourselves to be who we want to be." It wasn't the exact words, but it was something along the line. Being a schoolgirl with no idea about the world, I was sure that I'll find myself when I've finished school, get into university and started wor

I hate putting names in my posts, and I hate having to write everything clearly, to point out to certain someone (although I do, a lot of times). Please, my posts are not about you and you alone. Grow up please.  But then again, if you think I was writing about you, then isn't there a high chance you did something wrong that's enough to leave me an impression; to have a post written, dedicated for you?

If I bore you, just say so. If I'm annoying you, just tell me so. If I do something wrong, let me know. If you just don't want to talk to me: It's okay. I'll leave.

Nah, my entries are not about one person only. Although there's a lot of posts where I write about one person in particular, there's still the random posts about the whole Earth's population in general.

At 22, I still don't have a clear view of what I wanted to do. At 22, I'm still clinging on the old dream that I'm not sure of. At 22, people still treated me like I'm 12, trying to choose which school I should go. At 22, I've made a few life changing decisions. At 22, I've hidden more secrets than a regular person with regular problems does. At 22, well, let's just say life is still going on. I'm not saying I don't have plans for the future. I'm not saying that I don't want to work and just want to laze around, doing nothing. It's just that, the transition is too abrupt. And I'm still adjusting to the change. As much as I said I'm okay with everything, I'm still scared. Thus, all that little things that I'm okay can ticked me more than it should.  Dad has understand that. I just need the world to be like him next.

I'd rather keep it inside because I'll let out some really nasty words about your own words, backfired on you. Dare me and ask.

In terms of hopes and dreams (which is something I posted a lot here,) I don't think if I ever mention exactly what I want in life. I've always said; in future, in past, in present. But never a specific time, never a specific moment. That, plus I love cryptic writing where I can put out the truth on the internet for everyone to read while spinning words that's enough to make even a bookworm wanting to throw up, I've always believed that telling people what you want, what you dreamed of, will make the dreams flew away from your reach. Maybe it's just me, but that's what I believe, ever since I was eight. (Maybe earlier, but I have no recollection on this particular subject before I was eight) In all that dreams, I've never had to put people as a factor that will change whether I will reach it or not. In my imagination, dream is something private, something that you don't share with people. Something that you have to accomplish yourself, something s

Jujur cakap, aku bukannya benci kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya nak buang kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya nak minta benda bukan-bukan jadi kat kau. Jujur cakap, aku bukannya tak faham apa yang dah jadi dalam hidup kau. Tak. Sama sekali tak. Tapi kan, jujur cakapla, Aku tak tau mana kawan aku yang aku kenal pergi. Aku tak tau kenapa kawan aku ni dah tak nak terus-terang. Aku tak tau kenapa kawan aku ni nak pura-pura tak tau. Aku tak tau apa dah jadi dengan kawan aku yang kuat semangat tu. Aku tak tau kenapa kau boleh lupa, dekat apa yang kau sendiri cakap dulu. Yang kau bukan main sensitif bila buka cerita. Yang kau keluarkan macam-macam komen berapi-api.  Tapi sekarang? p/s Mungkin post ni boleh buat terbakar, mungkin boleh buat putus kawan. Tapi kalau baru mukaddimah terus tak nak jawab, nak bincang mana juga kan? Dan sejujurnya, sebab aku tau blog ni tak ramai pembaca, (yang pernah baca mungkin pening, tak faham apa aku sampaikan). Post ka

Siapa kita nak kata siapa betul? Siapa kita nak kata siapa salah? Siapa kita nak lawan dengan apa yang Tuhan dah bagi.....

I actually am bursting to tell you about this, but then I don't want to feel like I'm annoying you. Maybe I should stop being selfish?

A lot of things can scare me. But most of them I can just ignore and forget. When I start to freak out, then it's serious. When I'm freaking out, I can't reason myself. Most of the times someone can just say a few words that makes me see something different. Typical things like, 'it's okay, it'll be fine' may calm me down for about ten minutes before I start to freak out again. Which is why I don't like telling people I'm freaking out. Which is why I acted funny when I freaked out. But yeah, the whole situation is just: I'm not okay right now.

Now, I'm way beyond scared. I'm freaking out.

I was hoping an emotional post of yesterday's digest, posted yesterday, but instead I have the usual ramblings. Like always. Yup, 22 years old, yesterday. Which doesn't sound cool to me because I'm now officially an adult. (Not that being 21 doesn't remind me of that)  22. No qualifications (yet), no job, no nothing. I might catch a few glimpse of life in general, but that's it. Glimpses. Which will bring you back to this entry , where I rambled (again,) about how scared I am in facing life. Maybe that's an overstatement, but truth is, I always think about it, I just don't say it that often. (Writing up in blogs don't count) Anyway, hurrah to the getting-older-but-have-nothing me. Thanks for the wishes though. :)

It's irritating, when you ask people to do something because you don't want to do it, and complain (get angry) at the help that you get. Be grateful, can't you?

Once upon a time, I made a life-changing decision by thinking it thorough. By considering the pros and cons, by considering every other alternatives that you can imagine. And of course, I'd never regretted taking that decision, it has taught me more than I could imagine in just three years. Then after three years, the time to make another decision strikes again. I still have time to ponder, to mope around, thinking of what-ifs and what-wills. All the same, it didn't give the sense of rush that I had three years back because I have roughly five months to think about my life. Back then, I think I have less than a month, and it didn't help with my lack of resources. Only now, life has never been clearer, but scarier. The thoughts of having to work to get money to survive, does scare me a lot. I know some people gets by with help from parents or elder siblings. Me? I can't rely on my parents, not anymore. And I'm the eldest. How can I be selfish and not go look

I usually smile and say, "Okay", "Sure", "Why not?" when it's obviously not okay, when I'm not sure, when everything should be paired with: "why not"s. When I lie, I usually don't give reasons. Or long answers. I just said yeah so I don't have to deal with everything. There's a lot of things that I hate but never said it out loud. Because most of the time, simply asking "Are you okay with it?" won't guarantee a truthful answer from me. Oh, joy. Now it's no secret anymore. (；一_一)

I miss you. Thus all the craziness. Will you take it or leave it?

Last night in Lendu, Alor Gajah. Last night spend with my friends, thinking back of what has happened these last three years. I met and get to know the best girlfriends I ever had. I learn how to be friends with different people, different personalities. Imagine, there's eight of us in that one small house, and everyone is different, unique. Fasya, Farah, Tina, Huda, Aziza, Fauziah, Sue, and Za. The crazy us, the weird us, the loud us. The very different from each other us. The ones that are always there when anyone of us is down, when anyone of us is angry, when anyone of us is going through random mood swings. Thank you for everything because nothing else can summed everything. Sorry for everything for these three years. p/s I hope we can be like this again, someday. :) (And no, girlfriends are not the only people I have met here. I found you too :))

Maybe, sometimes, we say something. Maybe, sometimes, we do something. Maybe, sometimes, we think of something. That something is not necessarily a good thing. It may hurt someone. Who knows? We are not perfect beings. Nobody is. Nobody's an angel. Nobody can not hurt someone, even though not on purpose. We hurt everyone we have known; at least once.  To the people that is hurting: Be strong. That is part of Allah's way of testing you. That is part of the downs that you have to go through in your relationships. That is part of the downs of your life, even. Downs that will make your life a little more exciting to look forward to. To the people who hurts: Take up the courage to say, "I'm sorry". It may not fix the wrong, but it helps it mending the relationship. If not much, then at least you won't turn to enemies, or worse, strangers. p/s Both are for me. We all made (make) mistakes, don't we? ;)

It's almost at the end of another phase in my life. Three years. Three years have gone by so fast. Three years of ups and downs, laughter and tears, of hellos and goodbyes, of everything that I've learned; good and bad. Friends and lecturers. Of those that have become like part of my family, of those that have turned from like a family to strangers. Of those that I never knew, of those that I never had a chance to get to know them better. I wish I can get more friends, more experience, more memories. But like all good things, it has to come to an end. In about a week, I will say goodbye to everything. Everything, the memories, the places, the people, even the cats (LOL). There's so much I've seen, heard, and feel these three years.  Yes, goodbye. I hope we can see each other and relive the moments again, someday. Insya Allah.  p/s: The end of diploma means the start of degree? So I'll be posting something like this in about another

I believe in give and take. But only if it's of the same or equal amount. Any more or less, I'd say people are using me.

Oh please, leave me out of your life. I'm not counting you as someone "important" in my life, so leave me and my life alone.

I'm going against my own believes, my own principles that I've been holding on since I learn the word "life" truly. Up and down I go, in time shorter than half a year. Scared, confused, frustrated, angry, and not knowing what to do. Little did I know, all the jumbled up emotions are opening a path that will change almost everything. Not changing who I am, but changing my life. It's a 360° change of path that I don't regret taking. p/s: Cryptic words are fun. And that just shows how complicated my brain does its thinking.

Yes, I write to express what I feel. No, as much I like to talk, I can't say exactly what I feel about everything. Although I speak and write in the same language, why is it so hard for me to say the words out loud as easy as typing/ writing it down?  Not everyone reads people the way I do. Not everyone can figure out things by paying attention and looking carefully the way I do. Not everyone can feels satisfied by the small gestures the way I do. And obviously, not everyone express what they feel in cryptic words the way I do.  p/s: What's wrong with learning to express my own feelings directly without hurting anyone's feelings?

Like I've always said, if it's going to happen, it will. God have His own plans, even when we're lost in our own life. Thanx, to you. :)

Taking a risk, a gamble. But if I don't, how do I live a meaningful life? And if I fail, won't it be a great lesson in life?

Uncertainty. Here and there. Then and now. Lost. Lost. Lost. Show me the right way home. p/s: If you don't know anything, then say and act like nothing. Because if you do, it's either a sign that you care,or that you're trying to meddle with my life.

"Hey, maybe you'll feel better after talking about this to someone..." Bullshit. "I don't know, I don't think anyone can't live alone," Bullshit. "Maybe you should try to give it a try?" I did. Countless times. And after each time trying, I learn not to rely (or even trust people) because all I have is myself. In the end, it's you against the world. And oh, of course I remember I'm never alone even if the world has turned their backs towards me. Allah is always there.

My head is in mess, my brain is still thinking over things that I know have no solutions. Yet. I'm sleepy all the time. Like how human body stops functioning when it's in shock; I can't control my own brain from shutting itself down. Shutting down. Sleeping. Run away from the bitter reality even just for a couple of hours. I'm not physically tired, I'm mentally exhausted. I'm pondering over things I should've just let go but I can't. I've tried, and still trying. For everyone who have been there for me, thank you so much. There's no words that can convey my gratitude, no amount of treasure in the world can repay your kindness. You know who you are.

Maybe if it's not meant to be, then I'll say goodbye to the memories of three years. Maybe if one day we can meet again, and forget all the wrongs between us, we can be the good friends we've once have been. Maybe. Maybe. I'm sorry for the wrongs, and thank you for everything.

It seems like posting with Twitter-length-posts is fun. Because sometimes we don't need that much words to express something. Sometimes even words are not necessary.

Lesson learned, experience gained. Now shall I show you the exit door of my life?

Stop barging in from the past and ruining my good day, can't you?

Perhaps a little nudge on the shoulder or a poke in the ribs can make you realise what is happening? Maybe. There are endless possibilities, and I don't want to take risks so I'm taking my hands off on any bets that people may have out there.  That said, I'm tired. Mentally and emotionally. Thank you though.

I missed my friends :( Sorry takde gambar dengan Farah, Sue and Za. Nanti kita ambik ek :) * Sebenarnya ada dengan Sue, tapi aku tak comel. :D And sorry la, gambar main kidnap je. Hehehe

I'm usually a good liar. Especially to myself. I have seven years to get this right. I can just tell myself it's okay, and I'll believe it easily, even when it's not. Yeah, "it's okay" is my best lie. I have many more, but this works best in any condition, no matter how much I'm in distress. And it seems like that seven years work will be gone in less than a month. And I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing.

I love my friends and I'm forever grateful for them. *** Tapi malu nak ngaku depan-depan. （ ＾ν＾）

Happy Eid Mubarak! （ ＾ν＾）

I want to believe, that I will find the answer. I want to believe, that it's not time for the answer to reveal itself yet. I want to believe, that without the answer, I can go on. I want to believe, after patiently searching, the answer is worth all the wait and trouble. And yet, believing blindly is kinda hard. On your own, though.

When you believe without doubts, then everything can be made possible. Isn't it? When you're going through the lowest point of life, if you believe it's nothing, won't you be able to move forward?  When you have received something, and you believe it's not a sincere gift, won't it be something that you'll neglect? When you are unsure of what's happening, and you believe things are fine, really believe, won't it turned out that way?  When it's time to make a decision, and you're wondering which one should you choose, won't it be better if you choose something that you believe in? Because you believe; you have faith. Even if something will happen, with believe and faith you can go through everything. Everything, believe me.

Perhaps even without my family to support, I can still find the little things that matter. And when it's too much, I can always take a break and rethink of everthing, can't I? :)

Wake up early, get ready, an hour drive through the crazy traffic to get to work. 5.30 go home, dinner, shower, etc, etc. Once every week, long drive back to campus, for Tuesday class. I'm a student. I work part-time as a kindergarten teacher. (Which has only been a month) I'm not tired of going back and forth Melaka-Puncak Alam every week, but while working, and while driving for almost an hour going to and back from work, I have lots of things that I can think of. I wonder, if these people that are going to work along with me everyday have someone they wanted to support? Be it children or parents. Maybe that's what motivating them to go through the bad traffic, face the work they don't really like, but they have no choice but doing it. (I doubted everyone ended up with the work of their dream, because we live in the reality) I wonder, when I have finished all my study, and I get a proper job. And unfortunately the job is something that I don't like. W

What? You have forgotten that we exist? Good for you. Live your life in your own bubble. Until the bubble pops right in front of your face, don't ever, ever come look for me. You have forgotten me anyway :(

I'm the kind of person that you can't rush. I will get flustered if you say, "Amalina, hurry up," a thousand times. And I'll ended up doing work that you don't want to see. I'll ended up forgetting things in a rush. Which, will make things worse.　 I like subtle things. I do things at my pace, and I'm the only person who can rush myself. But if you get frustrated, look into my eyes, and say this calmly: "Amalina, it's ten o'clock and we need to be there by ten thirty," I don't like to be rushed, and I do things at my pace. But when I know I'm late, I can time myself so we will be there on time. Insya Allah.

The words below are lyrics to a song, the song title is the subject of this post. I said this on Twitter, few days ago: Tat-chan's Rabbit or Wolf is scary, but it's reality. In the song, both the Rabbit and the Wolf are what we call human beings. People around us, people in the world that we live in. It's the general idea, but I think it's an accurate summary of the people in the world.  Not everyone of us, but yeah. TRANSLATION credits: tppwendy Once upon a time, at that place There was an old cruel wolf That was really cunning Wolf wanted to have the lovely appearance of Rabbit So it pretended to be Rabbit’s good friend Stretching out its hands, Wolf put out its red tongue to lick its lips And stabbed at Rabbit’s white nape with its fangs. It ate Rabbit up. A story like that Also exists in our world nowadays There are a lot of cunning wolfs They approach us with elegant smiling faces And pretend to be good friends Then stretch out their ha

Sometimes we need to run away. Sometimes we need to take a break. Sometimes we'll find things not according to plan. Sometimes we just need to stop thinking too much.

Dah cakap banyak kali tapi tak nak dengar. Jadi apa-apa nanti kau nangis dulu baru datang kat aku tau, baru aku rasa kesian dan nak tolong. Oh, dan aku tak pernah buang kau pun. Kau je yang dah jauh sekarang. :/

Orang kata, bulan puasa ni bulan rahmat, masa kita nak kejar semua pahala lebih. Saya kata, bulan puasa ni ujian. Ujian yang lebih daripada tahan lapar dan dahaga, jaga pandangan, hati dan mulut. Sebab kita tahu bulan puasa bulan ujian, kita buat amal lebih. Tapi kan, kalau bulan puasa je buat amal lebih, bulan-bulan lain tak ke mana, tak ke macam kita hipokrit dengan Tuhan? Bulan ujian bukan main, bulan biasa buat tak tahu. Wallahu a'lam.

Down, down, down, I'm going. This is just another cycle of life, and I know I can get through this silly things. Yes, that's exactly the point. Silly things.

Ayah pernah cakap, jangan buat jahat kat orang kalau tak nak orang buat kat kita.  Saya tak rasa saya ramai kawan. Saya tak kisah, tapi kadang-kadang dengki juga tengok orang lain boleh lepak dengan kawan ramai-ramai; tak kisahlah kawan satu kelas ke, satu rumah ke, satu tempat kerja. Yang penting ramai-ramai, lepas tu semua kawan-kawan tu tahu apa yang jadi dalam hidup kita. Tak tahu banyak tak apa, yang penting dia tahu secara ringkas siapa kita, macam mana gaya hidup kita. Kawan ramai ni banyak sakit hati, memang betul pun. Kawan ramai ni susah kalau ada yang tertinggal, ada yang terasa. Tapi kan, sebab kawan ramai la kita akan ada banyak memori, banyak kenangan. Satu hari nanti, bila kita tiba-tiba terpisah, dan terjumpa balik, bila buka cerita lama mesti orang yang ramai kawan boleh gelak banyak-banyak. Kalau orang yang ada satu, dua kawan je, nak cerita apa? Tapi kan, bila kita dah lama kawan dengan orang tu, kita dah jadi tak kisah dengan benda yang pernah buat ki

Hey, I want to turn back the time. How much I feel like I want to want to rewind everything, back to it once was. But life is cruel, it only let me moves forward, not backwards and forward anytime I wanted it to be. Hey, I made a ton lot of mistakes I want to apologise. Mistakes that I feel were careless ones. Mistakes that haunt me forever, that keeps me thinking late at night about what will be if I didn't do it. What will be if I'm a perfect person... Hey, I'm living on. Trying my best not to think so much on the what will be. Trying so much to put myself right back on my feet after each and every mistakes. After each and every wrong I did to others, and myself.  I live on, obviously. Because the least I can do is to remember not to make the same mistake. And hey, how many of us think that some songs are related to life? :) TOKIO - advance  (translation) The past me is here right now asking What did you leave behind as you walked away? Ask yo

Orang cakap manusia ni macam-macam perangai, macam-macam kerenah, macam-macam rupa. Barulah seronok. Kalau semua orang sama, nanti hidup tak adventure, katanya. Kalau semua orang sama, nanti tak ada guna kenal dengan ramai orang. Tak ada guna melawat negara orang, tinggal di sana, sebab semua orang sama. Kan? Tapi sebenarnya, dari kita kecil lagi, kita tahu manusia tak ada yang sama. Kita tahu kita tak suka orang ni, kita suka dengan orang tu. Dari kita kecil lagi, kita boleh rasa yang orang tu pelik, orang ni baik. Kita tahu, cuma kita tak sedar. Bila dah besar sedikit, kita selalu mengeluh; apalah masalah budak tu, pelik sangat. Kenapalah budak tu menyakitkan hati, kenapa itu, kenapa ini. Itu baru cerita masa zaman sekolah, zaman baru nak kenal dunia, nak cipta identiti sendiri. Konflik datang dari semua tempat, semua arah. Keluarga nak kita jadi macam ni, kawan-kawan kata hidup macam tu lagi seronok. Nak kata kita pada masa remaja tak pandai fikir, tipulah. Tapi remaja, mud

今までありがとう、私たちもう友達じゃないんだ。信じるの事ができないんだ。 I seriously wish that I have the guts to tell you this. Unfortunately I don't.

Kadang-kadang kita rasa down sangat kita tak tau nak buat apa. Kadang-kadang kita rasa down sangat kita tak suka dengan semua orang. Kadang-kadang kita down sangat kita rasa semua orang benci kita. Kadang-kadang kita rasa down sangat, kita lupa orang tu pun ada masalah dia jugak. Tapi takpe, semua orang pun takkan mengaku salah sendiri, kan? Sebab selalunya kita tak nampak silap sendiri, silap orang je kita boleh nampak. Kan tu guna mulut, bagitau jela. * merepek lagi.

I don't care if it's about the Japanese stuff that I love. I was watching Himitsu no Arashi-chan aired on March 29, 2012. And there's some sort of a visit to a school in Tokyo, and at the end of it, the students are allowed to ask Sho-chan questions. When asked about how to be cool by a 17 year old boy, he answered, Rather than compensating something which you lack, well, the talent, or rather, I think it's the diligence which you possess, if you were to develop that, wouldn't you be cool? 足りないとこを補うっていうよりも、今持っている才能というか、努力だと思うけど、それを伸ばしていくって事でカッコよくなれるんじゃないかな。 And a girl was asking Arashi's secret of friendship, this is part of Sho-chan's answer, I think it's the level at which we've set our discretion and tolerance, probably. I feel that in everything, it's rather nonsensical to immediately get into a conflict because I felt irritated or angry. Just tolerate it for a time, but if you tolerate everything, you wouldn

Ada satu-satu point, dalam satu jangka masa tertentu, aku akan baring-baring atas katil (sama ada baru lepas bangun atau baru lepas habis satu novel atau baru habis fikir) dan tiba-tiba rasa; tak nak bangun dari katil ni, tak nak keluar dari bilik ni, rumah ni; menghadap manusia-manusia yang buat aku sentiasa pening.  Selalunya mood merepek datang masa tengah stress, tapi apa yang buat aku stress sekarang pun entahlah. Tapi, masa-masa macam ni, masa aku je yang tak tidur lagi dalam rumah ni; masa aku  boleh faham perasaan jadi hikikomori . Tempting, tapi hidup menyusahkan orang bukan hidup yang berguna. *** It's impossible to understand someone completely, simply because people change.

Bila kita boleh terima buruk baik someone tu, baru kita boleh pergi jauh dengan orang tu. Tak kisahlah dalam relationship yang macam mana sekalipun. And bila kita sanggup tegur buruk orang tu tanpa tangguh-tangguh, kita sebenarnya dah berusaha untuk terima hakikat yang orang tu sentiasa ada dekat dengan kita untuk bolehkan kita rasa marah dekat dia. The past is history, what's important is how are we living the present and preparing for the future. We may have been repeating the same mistake over and over again because we can't or simply refuse to understand the problem. Or maybe we just need a wake-up call to keep us from repeating the mistakes. *I'm not making sense. Again.

When I was at lowest point of my life, I'd like to think that everything is unfair. I'd like to think that fate cannot be changed. I'd like to think that I'm going to be in despair forever. How stupid. Wasn't I the one who said that no matter how unlucky my life is, there will always be someone who is worse than me but are still smiling? That the term unlucky is only for the pessimist. That the fact of whether how much luck we have depended on how we get through everything in life. True, I had my share of bad days. True, I've lost things along my life. True, some of them are because of myself. Only to find out that I can enjoy the next normal day because I had my share of bad days. Only to find out that in order to gain some, I have to lose some. Only to learn that making mistakes is how I make myself better. What are you afraid of? You think that the problems you've seen are something you can't handle? Why do you think you can't han

Anything, and everything that you have in life can be taken away. In an instant. In just a blink of an eye. What is it that you get by backstabbing your friend? What is it that you get by lying to your friend? What is it that you get by doing things, saying stuff to your friends behind their back?  Tell me please. Tell me how much do you consider your friends as friends. Tell me how much you care. Tell me how much you love. Tell me how much humanity is left in you. Because, I don't understand why do you have to do that to your own friend. And his family. Because, I'm wondering if he did something to you in the past. And there's none. None that I know. None that I remember.

"I need the courage to stand up and face it, not the strength to run away." 4:54 PM Sat Feb 25 2012 · From anything and everything. Not just problems, but complexes within myself, conflicts, the truths, the lies, the reality, everything. Anything.  I fear that I'm becoming more of a coward day by day. I've lost the usual strength that I can gain just by thinking positive. I've lost the capabilities to shake things off and forget it. I'm no longer who I am, and in that matter, I have never find out who I really am. Is this a problem, or it's just me thinking too much again?

This song hit me. For no obvious reason, but maybe it's the strength of her voice, or the emotions she feels when singing the song? I don't know. And as I went to check the lyrics, I found the translations to the song (saves time for to translate this) The happy things, the sad things I won’t forget any of them Each and every one is lighting up my heart Yes, I’m not “alone” One of the verses that I'm repeating now. いきものがかりー歩いていこう I’ll walk, I’ll walk I’ll live in the present I have the words you gave me Yes, I’ll walk Beyond the pedestrian bridge, I see the winter city I’m crossing to tomorrow with a piece of loneliness in my hand “Can you smile in your heart?” I hear a voice from one day My white breath disappears into the sky  I'm not alone; I hurry to the station “I’ve decided I won’t go home” Like the sign of a new beginning, the snow has begun to fall I’ll walk, I’ll walk I’ll live in the present Even if I get hurt, I want to believe ag

If only this time I can run, If only this time I can get away, If only this time I don't get too mad, Too mad that it's bad. It's bad.

I missed you. I miss them. I missed the old times. I missed the memories. I missed the crazy things. I miss the quiet atmosphere. I missed the carefree moments. I missed the old hobbies. I missed the weird things. I missed the ignorance. I missed everything. I missed the past. Sometimes, somewhere in life, there are things you cannot throw away no matter how much it has hurt you before. Could be because you were holding it too close to your heart. Too dear to be forgotten.

I used to think that I know what it means. I used to think that I'm fine. I used to think that I'm not tied to the past. I used to think that I've changed. I used to think that I've moved on. Maybe not.  I've always think that if I'm not moping and crying and being moody all the time is the sign of moving on. Little did I know, it was like lying to myself. True, I don't fake my laugh or smile. But when before I sleep, when I'm alone even just for a few minutes, I catch myself thinking about the past. It feels a little like I'm trying to fit the past into the present.  I compared present to the past, despite keep wanting to leave the past for a better future. I've learned from the past, but learning and living in the past is two very different things. I refused to think that I'm not moving on, to think that I'm fine.  That's a lie. I'm not moving on, at all. I'm good acting that I am; even to myself. * Th

Kadang-kadang kita fikir banyak sangat, sampai makan diri sendiri. Kadang-kadang benda tu tak bagi kesan apa-apa pun, tapi kita fikir dan fikir sampai  kita sendiri sakit. Sampai kita jadi sakit, kita jadi paranoid.  Kadang-kadang benda tu tak ada apa-apa pun. Kita je negatif sangat. *cakap dengan diri sendiri*

Hello, old friend. How are you doing? Is your life still the same when I last saw you? Have you found the reason to keep living the life you had before? Or you haven't, and are still doing the things that you used to do? Have you reached the dreams that we once shared? I'm sorry for disappearing from you like that. I'm sorry that I didn't say goodbye properly. I'm sorry I didn't tell you my decision to go away. I'm sorry that the dreams that we shared is now not something that I wanted to do anymore. We were both young, both with crazy ideas and with no clue whatsoever of the real life ahead.  We did many crazy stuff together, didn't we? Sometimes I looked back and reminisce the past, and think about how I missed them. How I missed hanging out with you, how I missed the times when we talked about our problems and cursing the people who gave us trouble, how I missed the moments when we shared our true feelings, or just when you sat next to me

There I was again tonight Forcing laughter, faking smiles Same old tired, lonely place Walls of insincerity Shifting eyes and vacancy Vanished when I saw your face All I can see, is that it was enchanting to meet you Your eyes whispered 'have we met?' Crossed the room, your silhouette Starts to make its way to me The playful conversation starts Counter all your quick remarks Like passing notes in secrecy And it was enchanting to meet you All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you This night is sparkling Don't you let it go I'm wonderstruck Blushing all the way home I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you One game question kept me up 2 AM, who do you love? I wonder till I'm wide awake I know I'm pacing back and forth Wishing you were at my door I'd open up and you would say 'hey' It was enchanting to meet you All I know is I was enchanted to meet you This night is sparkling Don'