a Life's Story

(I haven't written anything serious or with purpose for quite some time. But recently I signed up to be a freelance writer, and we'll see if I can get my head on the right track of writing again.) Why do we always look for perfection? Every living being is created as perfect by God, but we ourselves aren't perfect. We are humans, ruled by emotions. We may have stop and think to justify our emotions, but infinitely we will have a decision that is emotion-based. Which is not perfect. We are always trying to please someone with whatever we do. Be it someone dear, someone influential, or even ourselves, we give our best because it involves emotion. We are always influenced by our emotions, that it is inhuman for someone to be emotionless. That emotions made us human, it is part of us.  But isn't it funny, when we asked someone what we do wrong because we wanted to rectify it, most people will say nothing. You are fine just the way you are. You haven't d

Jujur cakap aku tak pernah rasa rapat dengan mak, adik-adik atau pun ayah aku. Aku lagi selesa luahkan perasaan pada kawan, lagi selesa untuk tidak terlalu dekat secara hati ke hati dengan keluarga sendiri. Mungkin cara mama dan ayah sendiri yang sangat jarang menyebut perasaan, jadi kami adik-beradik agak kurang vokal tentang rasa hati. Tapi lepas Adam lahir, aku tengok sendiri macam mana adik aku dan mama jaga Adam. Jaga aku. Ya, bukan kali pertama mereka berkorban tapi kerana Adam mata aku jadi lebih celik. Mungkin juga kerana aku sendiri sudah jadi mama, jadi aku mula belajar perasaan seorang ibu. Walaupun keluarga aku jarang memahami sebab atas setiap tindakan aku, tapi mereka jarang pertikaikan melainkan pandangan mereka lebih baik. Aku perhati sendiri macam mana mama dan adik aku sanggup korbankan tidur untuk menjaga Adam sedangkan aku ibunya sendiri hanya menjenguk Adam setiap kali dia menangis, dua malam itu. Dan bila aku bertanya pada mama, bahaya kalau anak kecil menangis

If you're to ask me now, what is it that I want in life; I'd say I don't know. I don't exactly feel demotivated, or dreading anything but if you ask me how do I see myself in another five years, I cannot see anything. I used to be able to have a picture of myself going through something, or achieving something. Right now it feels like a blank canvas. Not exactly dark or in a gloomy sense, though. Despite no longer having goals, I feel normal. Not too sad, not overjoyed either. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what will it be like if things are different. Like if I'm still working, or if my mother in law is still around; things that are no longer within my reach. There was the time when these thoughts would be able to kill my head, but no longer. I just wonder and wonder, and never managed to get an answer or goals or whatever it is that I'm looking for. It does not feel completely empty, it just feel weird. This was not someone I'd imagine I woul